Monday, June 24, 2013

What Decision in your life was your Best?

The best choice I ever made in my life thus far was to marry Nyle B. Smith.  It was not a "smooth" decision or experience.  In fact it was far from smooth.  There was way too much drama and trauma around that decision.  We were engaged, we weren't even friends, we were friends, we weren't friends, we dated, we didn't...we had this dynamic for the first year that we knew each other.

I used to think that if a relationship was "meant to be," it would run seamlessly from friends, to dating, to engagement, to marriage.  I have now come to believe that the old cliche is ever so true, "The path to true love is never smooth."  I can't remember who said this originally but Kudos to you whoever you be!

If your path to true love was smooth...CONGRATULATIONS!  You are blessed.  On the other hand, if you are dating someone and every fiber of your being tells you that you should spend your life with this not deny those feelings.  Oh, not every "star-crossed," lover should develop their relationship into something committed and permanent.  How do you know the difference?

I personally believe that there is a God...and one of the most loving gifts that he gave to us...all His children (whether Jew, Christian, Taoist, Buddhist, etc. etc.) is the ability to communicate with Him.  When I pray I write my prayer in a journal.  I have a seriously compromised ability to focus.  When I write down my prayer it helps me to stay focused.

It was through prayer that I KNEW with every fiber of my soul that Nyle was someone special.  After years and years of fruitless dating I knew very specifically what qualities I needed in a husband.  Yet Nyle was far more than a missing piece in the puzzle of my life.  He was the edge pieces that frame a puzzle and hold it all together.

Don't let the blast heat of chemistry blind your eyes to qualities that a committed relationship MUST have.  Do they want to have children?  What kind of family did they grow up in?  Do they like to cook, help with household chores?  There are ever so many different kinds of questions that can show compatibility in a couple.  Don't EVER make the mistake of thinking, "I can change them.  They are perfect except (fill in the blanks) and I will help them change." 

Before I married Nyle I thought..."He's perfect, except he could eat in a more nutritious way, and lose a little weight.  I can help him do that!"  Within two months of marrying Nyle I ha d gained 10 pounds!  lol 

A great description of the ideal marriage is a simple building.  Each corner is held up by a column.  The columns are separate, individual, and yet they are united in a common purpose, holding up the building.  (A metaphor from Kahlil Gibran's book, The Prophet).

After the marriage you ARE a family.  You do not need children to make you a family.  For many of us children are a grand blessing.  A child can be living proof of the love that links you to your husband.  They should NOT be the main reason that you are married.  Long after your children are adults and gone into their own worlds you need to plan on your own marriage surviving. after you meet someone and feel the rush of new love KEEP PRAYING!  If you don't believe in prayer, then do meditate...list the things that are positive in your relationship.  List the things that are negative.  If that person NEVER changes certain behaviors can you live with those behaviors? 

NEVER go into a marriage thinking, "Oh well, if this doesn't work out I can always get a divorce."  That is a MISERABLE way to live.  This is a relationship that should and must survive ALL the trials and tragedies that life can toss at you.

There really are only a few very specific reasons for divorce.  One is somebody that you can't trust.  If they cheat on you sexually they are very likely to cheat on you in other ways as well.  You can't maintain a relationship without trust.  Two would be any type of abuse, sexual, physical, emotional, spiritual...don't just walk...RUN from this relationship.  The last reason for divorce is when you are married and discover that you have married the PERFECT person.  Well at least perfect in their own mind.  Somebody who blames everyone around them for any problems that arise.  Somebody who NEVER makes mistakes, any problems that arise are somebody else's fault.  There MUST be compromise and willingness to change and re-arrange for a long term committed relationship to survive.  Yet I love the quote that says, "A mediocre marriage is far superior to a grand divorce."

True love may NOT run smoothly.  Still there is NOTHING better in this world than loving someone enough to spend each and every day of this life committed to them.  Nyle, I miss you.  Long for your presence in my life, but I will remain committed to you each and every day until we are re-united.  I miss you honeybunch!

1 comment:

  1. Oh CJ! I love you! This was just what I needed to read today! My current boyfriend... well, let's just say it's less than a smooth road... but not a bad one. Thank you for your sage advice!