Talk or Listen

I have not posted in this blog for quite awhile.  I have been battling breast cancer for the 2nd time.  When I'm really struggling with my health it triggers me BIG TIME.  Triggers me back to my childhood and teen years as a medically fragile child.  I had allergies to life...pretty much literally.  I had very little in the way of an immune system.  I was in and out of the hospital in oxygen tents on a frequent basis.

I have an actual memory of being a very small child in an oxygen tent with a doctor, and a group of nurses and residents around him.  He was whispering.  I remember listening harder to hear why he was whispering?  Paraphrasing his words he said, She will not live very long.  She's too allergic and sensitive.  In addition she has very little immune system to fight with.

I remember lying there thinking, "I'll show you!  Just because you're a doctor, it doesn't mean you know everything!"  It probably was a good thing for me to hear him because it helped me to fight harder.

Now that I've lived another sixty years or so I do know that doctors do not know everything.  They are helpful human beings that I'm grateful for, but they CAN'T know everything.  Millions of things are going on in your body right now.  Most of the things occurring we do not even consider...unless they quit working.

For example, do you pay attention to every single breath in and out?  I doubt it, unless you are asthmatic, chronic bronchitis, or another type of respiratory disease.  The point is, breathing is quite automatic.  Our body will go to extraordinary lengths to ensure that we breathe.  (Have you ever slept next to someone who snores)?  If our nose becomes congested at night, our body will naturally go for the next option, our mouth.  This may not be a premiere option...did I mention that snoring thing?  Yet it keeps you alive.

How about the beats of your heart.  Mine has beat many, many times as I have written this post.  I did not stop and count every beat.  I rather prefer to ignore my heart UNLESS it starts going haywire. 
Those are just two small processes amidst all of those other 999, 998 other functions that I mentioned.

When I am triggered into my medically fragile childhood I tend to withdraw from humanity.  I'm a positive person, but when I'm very ill, I don't feel very positive.  Go figure...right?  (Sarcasm implied).  This time around I'm re-learning an old lesson.  People do not want to listen to me, as much as they want to be heard.  I'm going to repeat that, "People do not want to listen to me, as much as they want (NEED) to be heard.
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Instead of feeling like I have nothing to offer, or that I'm just a parasite on my social circles, I have time to listen, and actively care.  Maybe some of the experiences I've had can help them.  Maybe they genuinely care and feel a bit hurt that I haven't included them in whats going on.  I would be hurt if my besties did not tell me when they're going through really hard stuff!

Maybe the things that I have to say are rather negative sometimes.  I have also learned, "It's OK not to be OK ALL OF THE TIME!"  My sister said, "Even a pressure cooker needs to vent sometimes!"

I'm here...I want to listen.  Thanks for the many, many that helped support me in cancer #1 and again in this round with cancer #2.  Also thanks to the new friends who have shown up and cared.  You are deeply precious to my soul.  I will treasure your friendship forever.