FEAR

It's 2:19 in the morning. I can't sleep. Why am I unable to sleep when I'm tired? I HATE it when that happens. Sometimes I begin to understand what a lightbulb feels like as it's twisted, turned around, and around, and around to either fit INTO a socket or be removed FROM a socket. Think of those bedcovers as you twist and turn and try to fit into your mattress.

Tonight my musings don't fit my bed. FEAR....black, and white, 3D, AND darker than the blackest of midnight is in charge of my head. This fear is not about getting old, being broke, being sick, or even dying. It's not even about being abandoned by all that I love.

I'm afraid of dying before I've lived....REALLY LIVED! Oh I've done many of the things I've dreamed of, many things that I'm so grateful for. I've been married to my soulmate, shared with him the experience of giving birth to two amazing daughters. We've watched them grow into amazing adults.

Together we've cruised the Caribbean on many occasions. We've even cheated death...together...several times.

So....does that mean I'm done? My EKG today said ABNORMAL. I thought HMMMM. Then the doctor reassured me that it wasn't a death kind of abnormal (I didn't know there was another kind when it came to your heart). No, this is a feel crummy, and want to sleep all the time, but NOT DIE kind of normal heart problem. (Does that sound like strange to anyone else?)

The odd thing is that when I started thinking about it, I felt really free. If it's not going to kill me, then why NOT enjoy living a while? I walked (OK, when I walk I really dance most of the time and sing loudly as well.) I haven't yet been labeled as a neighborhood menace (at least that I'm aware of). It just feels so good to dance outside...where there is all the room in the world, so I do! In addition our little doggy very much appreciates being outside as well (even if I am singing and dancing, what does he know, he's a dog).

So....the fear is NOT of dying, but rather of NOT living! I need to keep finding ways to feel alive, clear to the tips of my GOTTA DANCE toesies! For me that means, I will NOT quit! I will keep finding ways to feel alive...until I'm NOT. Something tells me, that I will ALWAYS be ALIVE! Oh I'm not talking about spiritual values here....but in the friends that I love, my family, and even the neighbors who watch my silliness out of their windows...as long as I don't QUIT!

STRANGE, I'm not afraid anymore....GOODNIGHT!!!

KLAUS by Michelle Erickson

I just finished reading a delightful book called Klaus. It was written by Michelle Erickson one of my dear friends and an excellent author. This book is comparable to the Hobbit, Lord of the Rings, or "Allovial." It is a page turner....I never wanted to put it down. I was disappointed when I was finished. The part below is an excerpt used by permission of the author.

"He hadn't seen her move, but she was no kneeling at his side. Her angelic face glowed with soft luminescence. Her breath was like the warmth of spring and the spice of fall combined as she knelt and reached toward him. Her hair was a waterfall of wheat and honey-colored curls, each strand gleaming in the light that touched him."

Women of the Drifting Anchor Ranch

I've decided to self-publish my eight novel series "Women of the Drifting Anchor Ranch." I'm going to start with Wilhelmina Elizabeth. Her book is comparable to "Taming of the Shrew," "Kiss Me Kate," "My Fair Lady," or "Pygmalion." I will put small sections from my eight novels in my Blog over the next several weeks.

ENJOY!

My dearest Jamie:

When you read this I will have joined the World of Spirits.

Don’t grieve for me. The last thing that I would ever wish

my beloved son is sorrow. Rejoice my Jamie in the joy

of living. How excited I am for the journey ahead of you!

Your marriage will start out with obstacles to overcome.

Beth needs all the love that you can give her. Her parents

are fine people but they have not been able to give her the

love she needs. Have faith my Son. Your love will win

her over. The love you two will share will be as great a

love as the world has known.

Be patient with Beth as she finds her path. You will be

the parents of noble spirits. They too will test your love

but never give up on that love. Love brought Blake and

I together, love created you, love brought you and Beth

together, and love will create many generations to follow

you. Love is a gift from God. Never forget Jamie I am

with you always. I will always love you. Mother

The Most Joyous Day of My Life

How does emotion affect you? Do you feel a rush of anger that burns? Do teeny, tiny, breezes brush against your skin and fill you with exultation at being alive? When you are together with your family, do you feel an unnamed dread at the possibility of sorrow or misunderstanding. Or do you hear whispers of eternity, the dream of being together forever?

In this life both negative and positive emotions are important. Just as a magnet has two poles, life teaches us through opposition. Through pain, sickness, and sorrow, we understand the importance of power of joy, and health. Grief sharpens our joy. Joy makes grief harder.

Saturday, April 16, 2011, there was NO opposition. All I felt was the purest of joy. My entire family unit (2 daughters, husband, and I) was together in the LDS Temple. There we worshipped together, and dreamed of eternal life spent together.

We also had the pure joy of many of our extended family. How we love and treasure our extended family.

I am most grateful for the pure joyous days. I'm also grateful to know that when the "opposition" days come, as they must for all of us, I can use the power of pure joy to cope with, and overcome those "opposition days."

TIMID TECHNOLOGY

It's an unfortunate truth....I am a timid user of technology. If something does not do EXACTLY as the written instructions explain I am TERRIFIED of trying something different. In the past when I have tried something "different," that is usually what I got...something DIFFERENT....not pleasant, or what I wanted....DIFFERENT, being a euphemism for ANNOYING! This was the case with my Blog setup....differently ANNOYING!

Ardis Kay came home from Cambridge one week early....HOORAY! With seemingly no effort whatsoever she took my Blog in hand and created this work of beauty! She surprised me by posting one of my favorite pictures of all time at the top.

On my 50th birthday Ardis, Sarah, and I went to the coast. Oh how I LOVE to hear the breakers crash upon the beach. I love to soft shoe in the waves, or tap dance. I love to dance the grapevine step and sing, "I'm Gonna Wash That Man Right Out of My Hair," from South Pacific.

The only thing that would have made the day better would have been having Nyle with us. He was simply too ill to come with us. Fortunately his health has improved in many ways since then!

As sunset began to arrive Ardis (our photographer supremo), and Sarah (dance enthusiast) decided to take a very specific shot. They wanted to catch Sarah leaping gracefully into the waves. The shots that resulted are amazing. They bring to my mind that magical moment in time. Looking at the picture I can hear Ardis saying, "1, 2, 3 JUMP. 1, 2, 3, LEAP!" The results were ever so rewarding. I can also hear Sarah giggling madly as she jumped, and leaped, and jumped, and leaped some more.

The musical sounds of our girls was framed by the backdrop of screeching seagulls, and wave harmony. The sun cast long shadows as it descended towards the horizon.

Ardis created not just a Blog background but another precious memory. What a blessing our daughters have been and are in our lives. Thank you girls for your gifts that have taught us, and for your patience when we are all too human. We LOVE YOU BOTH!

KNITTING THROUGH THE NIGHT!

Tiny and delicate the peach colored yarn folded stitch into stitch. A lacy pattern began to form. I have never knitted baby clothes before. Patience is NOT my greatest strength. It takes patience to create something that forms so slowly with teeny, tiny, little knitting needles.

Through the years I've been intimidated by a command in the world of knitting PSSO....an acronym for Pass Slip Stitch Over. I have NEVER learned how to do this stitch. I tend to cower from things that are difficult in knitting. "After all," my reasoning says "Knitting is supposed to be relaxing, enjoyable. Doing hard things while knitting would just create more stress than it releases."

What a lovely time in which we live. I Googled PSSO...and in seconds, THOUSANDS OF RESULTS were at my fingertips. Finally.....FINALLY....I realized that I was being ridiculous...letting my fears keep me from creating something lovely....that I WANTED to create. So I watched a brief instructional video on this stitch.

Imagine my confusion to find out that I already had been doing this stitch for the last FORTY-TWO YEARS! Another name for this is "decrease stitch." Simply by learning that the stitch I knew how to construct had a different name, a whole new skillset was unlocked.

How often do I do that in life? "It's too hard, I don't want to be bothered," and in thinking this way shut myself off from great opportunities?

Our daughters Sarah and Ardis lead the way for me. They simply don't let FEAR of ANYTHING stop them from achieving their dreams! Ardis is attending Cambridge, Sarah is going on a mission. From the day of their birth they have taught me....a cautious creature of habit to reach further, stretch higher, and in doing so improve my life!

Before I had the privilege of Ardis and Sarah in my life, Nyle was my exemplar. He decided to finish his college education. He had severe spinal disease. Sometimes after attending classes where he sat for hours in seats that were simply not built for a man of his size his legs would give out. He would then lie on his stomach and make his way back to the car by pulling himself along with his arms. He did NOT see this as heroic, but simply doing what he needed to achieve his goal of graduation.

Before Nyle was a part of my life, there were two beloved parents. A Papa who taught me that prayer is power. A Mama who NEVER let me give up. My brother and sister loved me, lifted me, and sustained me.

I should be reaching higher, stretching further, and I'm SO grateful for these precious people that have shown me by example how to do that.

I have only mentioned my immediate family, but all of you....AND YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE...that have touched my life for good...including the dear sister in Primary who taught me how to knit, I love you, and I'm grateful everyday for your influence!

RANDOM ATTACK OF AUNTINESS

Joyous moment when I opened the door and there was our beloved niece Garnet. One of my favorite creatures on this earth is the firefly. That delightful creature lights the darkness as though it's a small star flying about in the night. If I could describe Garnet as a creature it would be a firefly. She's a tiny little human, but mighty and powerful.

She has so much energy our dear Garnet. This week she is helping her sister. Sister dear has taken a much needed vacation. Garnet is watching over her 5 nephews and nieces, AND still keeping up with her University classes. Did I mention that brilliant light, and energy this girl carries?

We have lived far apart for all of Garnet's life. To have her less than half an hour away is so much fun. I feel as though she is a dear friend I have always known but now we are catching up on time spent apart.

I LOVE being an aunt. It's the fun of watching a beloved child grow, learn, and become, WITHOUT the heavy responsibility of being a parent! I LOVE being a parent, but being an AUNTIE is also AWESOME! Beware all nephews and nieces, I have the definite tendency to spoil you all....since I love you dearly!