Friday, April 22, 2011


It's 2:19 in the morning. I can't sleep. Why am I unable to sleep when I'm tired? I HATE it when that happens. Sometimes I begin to understand what a lightbulb feels like as it's twisted, turned around, and around, and around to either fit INTO a socket or be removed FROM a socket. Think of those bedcovers as you twist and turn and try to fit into your mattress.

Tonight my musings don't fit my bed., and white, 3D, AND darker than the blackest of midnight is in charge of my head. This fear is not about getting old, being broke, being sick, or even dying. It's not even about being abandoned by all that I love.

I'm afraid of dying before I've lived....REALLY LIVED! Oh I've done many of the things I've dreamed of, many things that I'm so grateful for. I've been married to my soulmate, shared with him the experience of giving birth to two amazing daughters. We've watched them grow into amazing adults.

Together we've cruised the Caribbean on many occasions. We've even cheated death...together...several times.

So....does that mean I'm done? My EKG today said ABNORMAL. I thought HMMMM. Then the doctor reassured me that it wasn't a death kind of abnormal (I didn't know there was another kind when it came to your heart). No, this is a feel crummy, and want to sleep all the time, but NOT DIE kind of normal heart problem. (Does that sound like strange to anyone else?)

The odd thing is that when I started thinking about it, I felt really free. If it's not going to kill me, then why NOT enjoy living a while? I walked (OK, when I walk I really dance most of the time and sing loudly as well.) I haven't yet been labeled as a neighborhood menace (at least that I'm aware of). It just feels so good to dance outside...where there is all the room in the world, so I do! In addition our little doggy very much appreciates being outside as well (even if I am singing and dancing, what does he know, he's a dog).

So....the fear is NOT of dying, but rather of NOT living! I need to keep finding ways to feel alive, clear to the tips of my GOTTA DANCE toesies! For me that means, I will NOT quit! I will keep finding ways to feel alive...until I'm NOT. Something tells me, that I will ALWAYS be ALIVE! Oh I'm not talking about spiritual values here....but in the friends that I love, my family, and even the neighbors who watch my silliness out of their long as I don't QUIT!

STRANGE, I'm not afraid anymore....GOODNIGHT!!!

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