Surveys about the belief in angels have been performed. It does NOT surprise me that MOST people believe in the concept of angels. For those of us who have been separated by death from our beloved family members it is greatly comforting to believe that they are now still with us but in a different dynamic. Some people say they are in a "Spiritual Realm," and we are in a "Physical Realm." I don't really care what it's called but I know for certainty that there IS something after this life.
I have been gifted to have sacred dreams...no not all of my dreams, but many of them. They are different from my regular dreams. There is a different feel to them, almost as though someone says to me, "Pay attention something important is about to happen."
I also believe that when God wants you to receive critical information he uses someone that we love, or feel comfortable with to give that information. If some angel that you didn't know gave you knowledge you might not believe it or you might rationalize it away. There is more power in the connection of love.
When I was going through breast cancer treatment I was only 34. I couldn't sleep, terrified at the concept that I might die and leave my beloved family. I wanted to grow old with Nyle, watch our precious girls grow into adults, and work hard to improve myself.
One morning I awakened feeling happy, energetic, ready to tackle a new day (even though that day included a round of radiation). At first I was too detail oriented to think about the difference in how I felt.
When I was in the waiting room at the radiation clinic I had lots of time to think, and the dream came back to me. In the dream I was in a place that really did not have boundaries as we think about on earth (rooms, walls, etc.) This place was crowded with people. I recognized many of them, My Papa, Grand parents, brother, etc. etc.
I also realized that I loved the rest of those spirits but did not know them. I felt that I had perhaps known them before this life, or that they were assigned to watch over me.
In my dream Grandpa spoke (I adored my Grandpa and he died when I was only 8 years old). He told me, "You have heard that people have a ministering angel that watches over you on earth. I want you to understand that all of these people," he pointed to the crowd, "Are watching over you to give you strength and comfort in the hard parts of life."
The dream was so real to me. I felt as though I was in a sacred time and place during that dream. One of my friends jokingly said, "Wow, you are going to have a seriously difficult life if you need THAT many angels!" I chortled over that idea.
Still the course of my cancer path was changed by that dream. I believed with all of my heart that I DID have a large group of angels watching over me that loved me and wanted to help me through that very difficult time. Having that faith, I knew that I WOULD come through this particular "Valley of the Shadow of Death." Psalms 23
In the darkness of night when your particular trial looms far too large for sleep I have a suggestion. Count your angels." They are much more fun to count than sheep. I mean, talk to each one. Visualize them as though they are right there. Only positive thoughts, this is NOT the time to work out abuse, or negative things. So you should skip the angels that have harmed you or that have caused you trauma.
Focus on the angels that loved you unconditionally on this earth...friends, siblings, parents, grandparents, etc. etc. It's amazing what a positive space this can create for you to fall asleep in. I'm not speaking about praying to these angels. God is who we pray to. Death does not elevate our loved ones above our Heavenly Father. Talk to those beloved angels....tell them things that are bothering you, and feel the warmth of the love that they still have for you.
I believe in angels. Especially I believe in angels now that my soulmate has joined their ranks. I count those angels, and then pray and thank God for the gift of eternal life...that we will be together again, and that sometimes we can feel the healing touch of those angels that love us but are in a spiritual realm.
Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass....it's about learning to dance in the rain!
Wednesday, July 31, 2013
Friday, July 26, 2013
Co Executive Officer
Have you ever listed the tasks that are in your life. If you have not done so....today is the day. Here is the list that I have compiled. I base this list on the time in my life when my children were little, and I worked part-time. This list is NOT to show my nobility, or superiority. This list is to encourage all of you to stop and take notice....adjust priorities, rearrange time waste. (Nobody can afford to waste money, so how come we can so freely waste time?)
I list my position as Co-Executive Officer because that was simply my very favorite position in life. Working with my beloved honey....it was at times extremely thorny and difficult, but usually the greatest gift life gave me!
Now that my children are grown, and my husband has passed my list has changed greatly. I also remember those of you who are CHIEF EXECUTIVE OFFICERS because you simply don't have the privilege of a husband or wife to share the duties in your life.
Job Description for Co-Executive Officer (Please note that duties are NOT listed in priority order)
1. Inventory and Procurement Officer
A. Tracking all supplies necessary to keep a home or office running, including purchasing food to supply three meals and a snack or two a day. This is a daily oversight job, with a weekly and monthly component as financial assets are surveyed and "creatively" managed. (No I do NOT condone embezzlement but there were those times that I had to round up cans to get enough money for gas to drive across town to pick up my children from school).
B. Planning all meals, making them nutritious, keeping in minds the likes and dislikes of those you are feeding. Also factoring in the possibility of diabetes, gluten intolerance, fat intolerance, and food allergies.
2. Chef, AND clean up committee.
A. So in grand kitchens there is a chef who oversees the process of cleaning, preparing, and combining elements into a delightful meal. He or she has a delightful group that rush about following the chef's every direction. In your home you ARE the workers AND the chef.
B. Training and development of new chef's and prep cooks, and clean-up duties.
3. Waste Product Manager
A. Tracks weekly garbage pick-up.
B. Plunges toilets when needed (which when the children are small is often...think of a child
filling the toilet with toilet paper and then flushing?)
4. Coordination Expert
A. Works together with Co Executive Officer smoothly to access and combine schedules of all in the family. This includes
sports events, work, church activities, church volunterism, community outreach, and needs for
duties to maintain a home.
B. There is no litigation involved in this particular job item but there is DEFINITELY intense
arbitration and diplomacy skills needed.
5. Plumbing expert
A. Able to plunge an overflowing toilet, and then provide the clean-up afterwards that is necessary.
B. Able to work with the interior of the back of a toilet to connect a chain that has come undone, or cause the bulb ish thingie to work properly. (I did not mention that this plumbing job necessitates learning the appropriate descriptions of official plumber, now did I?)
C. Able to retrieve a ring from a pipe, and then put the pipe back together.
D. Using the plumbing to provide a proper burial for fish, and/or tiny mice (able to unplug the
toilet once again when a gerbil is flushed down the toilet!)
6. Chauffer
A. Providing transportation for any and all small children who do not yet have the capacity of getting themselves to where they need to be when they need to be there.
B. Coordinating efforts of using the vehicle with Co CEO since there is only one car in the
family
7. Nurse/Doctor/Vet
A. Able to diagnose symptoms of common ailments including sore throats, stomach aches, indigestion, flu, cold, and other maladies.
B. Determination expert. Makes quick and qualified decisions about when to seek further assistance for symptomatic relief.
C. Able to give healthy and necessary injections to husband, children, or yourself.
D. Calming influence in times of trauma. Example, seven year old child cuts herself to the bone. Able to say, "Oh no you won't need stitches" when you know they absolutely will, or perhaps to say, "Let's wait and see," only with this particular child if you even hint that they may have to have stitches they will go into a whirling frenzy and it will necessitate four people to pick them up, get them in the car, and KEEP them in the car, until they reach the clinic, and then pick up the whirling child and carry them in to the doctor and keep them still long enough to make the stitches! Deep breath!
E. Able to diagnose and treat creatures from the family dog or cat, to a fish, a gerbil, other various and sundry rodents, a snake, or a gila monster. (Have you ever had to give a cat a pill twice a day?) See above job description of nursing or doctoring scratches incurred in said dosing.
8. Electronics Expert
A. Directly responsible for the maintenance of all computers (hardware AND software), cell phones, video games, television, cables, and connections.
B. In my case, supporting my Co officer in HIS duties in this area. (The most I can do with electronics is unplug it, and then plug it back in and see if that solves the problem! :)
9. Security Management
A. In charge of keeping home properly secured at all times, including locking windows, and dead bolts on all doors.
B. Tracking fire alarm, keeping fire extinguisher loaded and in the kitchen, having carbon monoxide alarm as well
C. Watching over small children at ALL times. Being aware that even if you don't have much in the way of financial success sexual slavers now troll the streets of America looking for an easy "Snatch."
D. Being constantly vigilant when in stores, museums or other public places with your children. Children are not taken because they ran away from their parents. All you have to do is turn your back for a short moment.
E. Doing your best to make your child filled with faith, and not fear. (Faith can include, faith in family, faith in God or religion of your choice, faith in friends....etc. etc.)
F. Setting curfews
G. Waiting up for child who doesn't pay any attention to the curfew that you've set.
10. Laundry/Mending Management
A. Inventory and upkeep of all clothing in the home.
B. Awareness of what clothing item will be needed by what family member next.
C. Folding of clean clothes.
D. Putting away clean clothes
E. Picking up clothes that haven't been worn, are still fairly clean but have been thrown on the floor multiple times in the search to pull some item of clothing out of a chest of drawers, repeat this step times forever.
11. Tutorial Expert
A. Able to assist children with homework
B. Able to read bedtime stories, or help children read stories
C. Able to assist with high school math (maybe take a class yourself?)
D. Competent to help a child maintain the wide eyed wonder that they are born with into their teens and beyond
12. Chaplain
A. This does not mean that you are affiliated with any organized religion. You may be an atheist but you will still need to learn how to explain dreadful things to your child. Like, why are there so many people being killed in Rawanda? How could there be a God if he lets such evil exist?
B. Attending church as a family (if you do embrace organized religion)
C. Creating an open forum for religious discussion in your home
D. Reading and studying of scripture
E. Prayer, or meditation
13. Psychological Therapist
A. Able to think of wise and helpful ways to address your growing child's needs, "Mommy, Tommy just pushed me into a mud puddle, and my brand new dress is ruined....WAAAAHHHH!"
next scenario, "Mommy, Tommy says he hates me and doesn't want to sit by me anymore in school....WAAAAAHHH!" "Mommy, Tommy is going to the school dance with Judy and she's such a creep....WAAAAHHHH!" to "Mommy, Tommy wants to marry me, but I haven't finished college, and I want to get my degree and I don't know how we can juggle everything and have a degree for both of us....WAAAAAH!" Those are the EASY times. Generalizing can be a dangerously exclusive activity but it IS true that for the most part boys are all about MOTION, girls are all about E---MOTION.
B. What if your child develops a mental illness (which should actually be called a chemical illness with mental manifestations....it's more about other parts of your body than your brain...pituitary gland, thyroid, red blood cells, etc. etc. Now you will need the wisdom of a therapist to guide this troubled child to helpful environments...possibly even taking them to a hospital if they become a danger to themselves or others....definitely seeking out emergency medical assistance for those dynamics.
14. REWARDS
A. Learning about your own weaknesses and strengths through performance of your job duties.
B. Two small arms wrapping around your neck (did I mention the small arms are sticky with honey, and tree sap?) and a small mouth that is just learning to speak saying, "I wuv you Mommy." OK...AWESOME reward.
C. Watching tiny infants grow into moving, grooving toddlers, children, teenagers, and adults. It's AWESOME in the truest shape of the word (awe inspiriting).
D. The arbitration, and interconnectivity of being married for 27 years (me) to the man of my dreams!!!
E. Having a family, and BEING a family!
F. Two adult arms creeping around your neck and saying, "I love you Mom."
G. AMAZING to see your children become consultants of history, and school teachers, or doctors, or attorneys, or childcare workers, etc. etc. Beyond exciting to see them be productive members of our society.
H. Too many rewards to even list.
So...today if you feel overwhelmed, your house is a mess, you are still in your pajamas at 2 in the afternoon, your kids are quarreling AGAIN for what seems like the millionth time and it's ONLY 2 in the afternoon. Step back, turn on your MP3 player and dance with them, or go outside and play catch, or hopscotch, or take them to the park.
Remember housework, will ALWAYS exist, but childhood will NOT. Make a memory today, and everyday, and focus on all the rewards instead of the troubles and problems. Feel free to remind me of this the next time I need some cheese with my "whine."
I list my position as Co-Executive Officer because that was simply my very favorite position in life. Working with my beloved honey....it was at times extremely thorny and difficult, but usually the greatest gift life gave me!
Now that my children are grown, and my husband has passed my list has changed greatly. I also remember those of you who are CHIEF EXECUTIVE OFFICERS because you simply don't have the privilege of a husband or wife to share the duties in your life.
Job Description for Co-Executive Officer (Please note that duties are NOT listed in priority order)
1. Inventory and Procurement Officer
A. Tracking all supplies necessary to keep a home or office running, including purchasing food to supply three meals and a snack or two a day. This is a daily oversight job, with a weekly and monthly component as financial assets are surveyed and "creatively" managed. (No I do NOT condone embezzlement but there were those times that I had to round up cans to get enough money for gas to drive across town to pick up my children from school).
B. Planning all meals, making them nutritious, keeping in minds the likes and dislikes of those you are feeding. Also factoring in the possibility of diabetes, gluten intolerance, fat intolerance, and food allergies.
2. Chef, AND clean up committee.
A. So in grand kitchens there is a chef who oversees the process of cleaning, preparing, and combining elements into a delightful meal. He or she has a delightful group that rush about following the chef's every direction. In your home you ARE the workers AND the chef.
B. Training and development of new chef's and prep cooks, and clean-up duties.
3. Waste Product Manager
A. Tracks weekly garbage pick-up.
B. Plunges toilets when needed (which when the children are small is often...think of a child
filling the toilet with toilet paper and then flushing?)
4. Coordination Expert
A. Works together with Co Executive Officer smoothly to access and combine schedules of all in the family. This includes
sports events, work, church activities, church volunterism, community outreach, and needs for
duties to maintain a home.
B. There is no litigation involved in this particular job item but there is DEFINITELY intense
arbitration and diplomacy skills needed.
5. Plumbing expert
A. Able to plunge an overflowing toilet, and then provide the clean-up afterwards that is necessary.
B. Able to work with the interior of the back of a toilet to connect a chain that has come undone, or cause the bulb ish thingie to work properly. (I did not mention that this plumbing job necessitates learning the appropriate descriptions of official plumber, now did I?)
C. Able to retrieve a ring from a pipe, and then put the pipe back together.
D. Using the plumbing to provide a proper burial for fish, and/or tiny mice (able to unplug the
toilet once again when a gerbil is flushed down the toilet!)
6. Chauffer
A. Providing transportation for any and all small children who do not yet have the capacity of getting themselves to where they need to be when they need to be there.
B. Coordinating efforts of using the vehicle with Co CEO since there is only one car in the
family
7. Nurse/Doctor/Vet
A. Able to diagnose symptoms of common ailments including sore throats, stomach aches, indigestion, flu, cold, and other maladies.
B. Determination expert. Makes quick and qualified decisions about when to seek further assistance for symptomatic relief.
C. Able to give healthy and necessary injections to husband, children, or yourself.
D. Calming influence in times of trauma. Example, seven year old child cuts herself to the bone. Able to say, "Oh no you won't need stitches" when you know they absolutely will, or perhaps to say, "Let's wait and see," only with this particular child if you even hint that they may have to have stitches they will go into a whirling frenzy and it will necessitate four people to pick them up, get them in the car, and KEEP them in the car, until they reach the clinic, and then pick up the whirling child and carry them in to the doctor and keep them still long enough to make the stitches! Deep breath!
E. Able to diagnose and treat creatures from the family dog or cat, to a fish, a gerbil, other various and sundry rodents, a snake, or a gila monster. (Have you ever had to give a cat a pill twice a day?) See above job description of nursing or doctoring scratches incurred in said dosing.
8. Electronics Expert
A. Directly responsible for the maintenance of all computers (hardware AND software), cell phones, video games, television, cables, and connections.
B. In my case, supporting my Co officer in HIS duties in this area. (The most I can do with electronics is unplug it, and then plug it back in and see if that solves the problem! :)
9. Security Management
A. In charge of keeping home properly secured at all times, including locking windows, and dead bolts on all doors.
B. Tracking fire alarm, keeping fire extinguisher loaded and in the kitchen, having carbon monoxide alarm as well
C. Watching over small children at ALL times. Being aware that even if you don't have much in the way of financial success sexual slavers now troll the streets of America looking for an easy "Snatch."
D. Being constantly vigilant when in stores, museums or other public places with your children. Children are not taken because they ran away from their parents. All you have to do is turn your back for a short moment.
E. Doing your best to make your child filled with faith, and not fear. (Faith can include, faith in family, faith in God or religion of your choice, faith in friends....etc. etc.)
F. Setting curfews
G. Waiting up for child who doesn't pay any attention to the curfew that you've set.
10. Laundry/Mending Management
A. Inventory and upkeep of all clothing in the home.
B. Awareness of what clothing item will be needed by what family member next.
C. Folding of clean clothes.
D. Putting away clean clothes
E. Picking up clothes that haven't been worn, are still fairly clean but have been thrown on the floor multiple times in the search to pull some item of clothing out of a chest of drawers, repeat this step times forever.
11. Tutorial Expert
A. Able to assist children with homework
B. Able to read bedtime stories, or help children read stories
C. Able to assist with high school math (maybe take a class yourself?)
D. Competent to help a child maintain the wide eyed wonder that they are born with into their teens and beyond
12. Chaplain
A. This does not mean that you are affiliated with any organized religion. You may be an atheist but you will still need to learn how to explain dreadful things to your child. Like, why are there so many people being killed in Rawanda? How could there be a God if he lets such evil exist?
B. Attending church as a family (if you do embrace organized religion)
C. Creating an open forum for religious discussion in your home
D. Reading and studying of scripture
E. Prayer, or meditation
13. Psychological Therapist
A. Able to think of wise and helpful ways to address your growing child's needs, "Mommy, Tommy just pushed me into a mud puddle, and my brand new dress is ruined....WAAAAHHHH!"
next scenario, "Mommy, Tommy says he hates me and doesn't want to sit by me anymore in school....WAAAAAHHH!" "Mommy, Tommy is going to the school dance with Judy and she's such a creep....WAAAAHHHH!" to "Mommy, Tommy wants to marry me, but I haven't finished college, and I want to get my degree and I don't know how we can juggle everything and have a degree for both of us....WAAAAAH!" Those are the EASY times. Generalizing can be a dangerously exclusive activity but it IS true that for the most part boys are all about MOTION, girls are all about E---MOTION.
B. What if your child develops a mental illness (which should actually be called a chemical illness with mental manifestations....it's more about other parts of your body than your brain...pituitary gland, thyroid, red blood cells, etc. etc. Now you will need the wisdom of a therapist to guide this troubled child to helpful environments...possibly even taking them to a hospital if they become a danger to themselves or others....definitely seeking out emergency medical assistance for those dynamics.
14. REWARDS
A. Learning about your own weaknesses and strengths through performance of your job duties.
B. Two small arms wrapping around your neck (did I mention the small arms are sticky with honey, and tree sap?) and a small mouth that is just learning to speak saying, "I wuv you Mommy." OK...AWESOME reward.
C. Watching tiny infants grow into moving, grooving toddlers, children, teenagers, and adults. It's AWESOME in the truest shape of the word (awe inspiriting).
D. The arbitration, and interconnectivity of being married for 27 years (me) to the man of my dreams!!!
E. Having a family, and BEING a family!
F. Two adult arms creeping around your neck and saying, "I love you Mom."
G. AMAZING to see your children become consultants of history, and school teachers, or doctors, or attorneys, or childcare workers, etc. etc. Beyond exciting to see them be productive members of our society.
H. Too many rewards to even list.
So...today if you feel overwhelmed, your house is a mess, you are still in your pajamas at 2 in the afternoon, your kids are quarreling AGAIN for what seems like the millionth time and it's ONLY 2 in the afternoon. Step back, turn on your MP3 player and dance with them, or go outside and play catch, or hopscotch, or take them to the park.
Remember housework, will ALWAYS exist, but childhood will NOT. Make a memory today, and everyday, and focus on all the rewards instead of the troubles and problems. Feel free to remind me of this the next time I need some cheese with my "whine."
Building Duomos?
This post is for women...and those who love women. The list includes Mother's, Daughters, Sisters, Cousins, Friends who are family, Wife, Husbands, Fathers, Sons, Brothers, Cousins....etc. etc Hmmm that includes pretty much everybody, right? (Wink)
Please show by the raise of hand how many that are reading this right now had "Stay at home Mom's, or Dad's?" Now by the show of hands, how many of you ARE "Stay at home Mom's, or Dad's?" Next, "How many of you work outside the house and still try to carry the load of a "Stay at home Mom or Dad?"
First I wish to paraphrase a wonderful story. The story is about a woman who feels that her contribution in life is paltry. She's a "Stay at home Mom." She's NOT changing the world. When she dies her absence will not even be noticed. Hmmm....anybody else out there that feels that way? You are raising too many hands...so let's change your mind.
In Europe there are grand cathedrals, in Italy they call them duomos (I like that better than the word cathedral....so much more user friendly). As you gaze on these towering, majestic works of art raised for the privilege of worship have you ever thought about the craftsmen that built them in the first place? What kind of labor of love can create such beauty...a gift to raise our eyes upwards into the heaven's.
Do you see plaques anywhere naming those amazing artists that worked hour upon exhausted hour? Look at the masonry, design, flooring, walls (some are three feet thick), nave, sanctuary....look at all those amazing items.
In America there are also majestic works of art that fail to name the craftsmen who created them...Brooklyn Bridge, lovely churches that dot the land, the London bridge which is now residing in Arizona? (Still confused about that...lol) All of these things fail to list a single name that created such majesty for us to enjoy. Their names are gone, their contributions left to anonymity, yet their works continue to inspire.
The comparison is direct and easy to make. There will be no plaque raised that says, "Ardis Kay, and Sarah Smith, and many part-time daughters and sons, were assisted and directed by CJ and Nyle. The awards that my daughters have already achieved in their young lives do not have a postscript at the bottom that says (awarded to Ardis and Sarah because they have amazing parents!) That is as it should be, yet as we change what seems like the millionth stinky diaper today do we have that vision...that knowledge of what a long lasting contribution we are making?
So today, Mom's and Dad's, all those unnamed heroes and sheroes who stay up nights with a sick child, and then go to work the next day and work despite being unable to keep their eyes open. Those of you who are actively molding, loving, and guiding children. Please catch a glimpse, a vision of who these little ones ARE and who they have the power to BECOME! Remember, you are building cathedrals!
Please show by the raise of hand how many that are reading this right now had "Stay at home Mom's, or Dad's?" Now by the show of hands, how many of you ARE "Stay at home Mom's, or Dad's?" Next, "How many of you work outside the house and still try to carry the load of a "Stay at home Mom or Dad?"
First I wish to paraphrase a wonderful story. The story is about a woman who feels that her contribution in life is paltry. She's a "Stay at home Mom." She's NOT changing the world. When she dies her absence will not even be noticed. Hmmm....anybody else out there that feels that way? You are raising too many hands...so let's change your mind.
In Europe there are grand cathedrals, in Italy they call them duomos (I like that better than the word cathedral....so much more user friendly). As you gaze on these towering, majestic works of art raised for the privilege of worship have you ever thought about the craftsmen that built them in the first place? What kind of labor of love can create such beauty...a gift to raise our eyes upwards into the heaven's.
Do you see plaques anywhere naming those amazing artists that worked hour upon exhausted hour? Look at the masonry, design, flooring, walls (some are three feet thick), nave, sanctuary....look at all those amazing items.
In America there are also majestic works of art that fail to name the craftsmen who created them...Brooklyn Bridge, lovely churches that dot the land, the London bridge which is now residing in Arizona? (Still confused about that...lol) All of these things fail to list a single name that created such majesty for us to enjoy. Their names are gone, their contributions left to anonymity, yet their works continue to inspire.
The comparison is direct and easy to make. There will be no plaque raised that says, "Ardis Kay, and Sarah Smith, and many part-time daughters and sons, were assisted and directed by CJ and Nyle. The awards that my daughters have already achieved in their young lives do not have a postscript at the bottom that says (awarded to Ardis and Sarah because they have amazing parents!) That is as it should be, yet as we change what seems like the millionth stinky diaper today do we have that vision...that knowledge of what a long lasting contribution we are making?
So today, Mom's and Dad's, all those unnamed heroes and sheroes who stay up nights with a sick child, and then go to work the next day and work despite being unable to keep their eyes open. Those of you who are actively molding, loving, and guiding children. Please catch a glimpse, a vision of who these little ones ARE and who they have the power to BECOME! Remember, you are building cathedrals!
Thursday, July 25, 2013
I Love My Mother!
Sitting quietly in the dark I almost missed my Mama as my eyes swept across her neat room. The room is filled with memories, photos, gifts made by grandchildren now grown with children of their own, and gifts made by great-grandchildren. She lived long enough to see her very own GREAT-GREAT GRAND daughter.
Mama was always action in a body. She could NOT sit still for 2 minutes unless she was mending clothes, folding clothes, doing some action. She often quoted to me, "Idle hands are the Devil's workshop." If that didn't seem to catch fire within us she would quote, "Never sit still and do nothing." I used to hate that I simply can NOT sit still and do nothing. I must be knitting, folding clothes, mending, etc. etc.
Now I have come to the realization that I have created over 100 afghans that I made stitch by stitch while I watched TV or chatted with family or friends. Even though sitting still is problematic for me, I am grateful for her example of filling life, each moment of it to capacity with activity.
Being with Mama now is so very different. I will talk to her, actually often it's more as though I talk AT her. I see in her eyes that her attention has slid away to some place that she can't take me. Sometimes I sit quietly, and we share a companionable silence...and then I find her sleeping in her recliner.
We all change and rearrange as we move through life. It's been a blessing to me that Mama, at this stage in her life, is much more serene. Oh she still has "Worry parties." My Mama takes worry to a new level. It's a masterful skill in her world.
She can't remember what she was worried about most of the time now. This lack of memory calms her, soothes her sometimes...other times it drives her frantic. Yet the quiet times together with my Mom have enriched my life, and helped me with MY restless, need-to-move-NOW spirit.
There are blessings in life...but sometimes we have to look harder to find them. Today I give thanks for the blessing of a beloved Mama who I have gotten to keep for 57 years! I love you Mama!
Mama was always action in a body. She could NOT sit still for 2 minutes unless she was mending clothes, folding clothes, doing some action. She often quoted to me, "Idle hands are the Devil's workshop." If that didn't seem to catch fire within us she would quote, "Never sit still and do nothing." I used to hate that I simply can NOT sit still and do nothing. I must be knitting, folding clothes, mending, etc. etc.
Now I have come to the realization that I have created over 100 afghans that I made stitch by stitch while I watched TV or chatted with family or friends. Even though sitting still is problematic for me, I am grateful for her example of filling life, each moment of it to capacity with activity.
Being with Mama now is so very different. I will talk to her, actually often it's more as though I talk AT her. I see in her eyes that her attention has slid away to some place that she can't take me. Sometimes I sit quietly, and we share a companionable silence...and then I find her sleeping in her recliner.
We all change and rearrange as we move through life. It's been a blessing to me that Mama, at this stage in her life, is much more serene. Oh she still has "Worry parties." My Mama takes worry to a new level. It's a masterful skill in her world.
She can't remember what she was worried about most of the time now. This lack of memory calms her, soothes her sometimes...other times it drives her frantic. Yet the quiet times together with my Mom have enriched my life, and helped me with MY restless, need-to-move-NOW spirit.
There are blessings in life...but sometimes we have to look harder to find them. Today I give thanks for the blessing of a beloved Mama who I have gotten to keep for 57 years! I love you Mama!
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
Another Great Loss!!!
My beloved youngest daughter will be starting to teach 5th grade tomorrow. I am so excited for this goal that she has achieved through very hard work.
Today she received dreadful news. One of the teachers at her school found their fifteen year old son who had killed himself. NOT ONE MORE! We can't afford to lose one of our precious children. They are our future. It won't do any good to think, how could we have stopped him...UNLESS....unless in thinking these thoughts we can find the way to stop just ONE PERSON....one person from taking their own life.
My life has been far from easy. I was born with such severe asthma, chronic bronchitis, and very little immune system (oh did I mention that I was basically allergic to any substance known to mankind), the doctors literally told my parents that I would not live long.
We moved to Utah when I was 6 and I began school. I was a very sensitive little girl. The children said cruel, unkind things to me from first grade all the way through 12th grade. I was barked at (I was told that I was ugly, like a dog they said), things were thrown at me (including a pen that stuck in my forehead a short distance from my eye, I was sexually harassed (male students sitting around me would say the crudest, most vulgar thinks imaginable). One boy cornered me at my locker and grabbed my breasts and fondled them.
Then there were the 10 car accidents (I'm a great driver, but some of the people that I rode with weren't), many, many surgeries because of the accidents, breast cancer, and many, many other illnesses, including a long bout with clinical depression.
I don't say these things to make me seem noble...."Listen to me, I've had a hard life." I'm saying these things to affirm the fact that in my youth I considered killing myself on many occasions. What saved me was my family. They were my sanctuary, my safe haven.
Through all of the trauma and drama that I have faced I have learned the lesson over, and over, and over, again that "LIFE, EVEN IN THE WORST OF EXTREMITIES, IS PRECIOUS!" I actually repeated this mantra like to myself sometimes in the hardest times of my life.
I believe that those who kill themselves hoping to solve their problems will be shocked to learn that they are applying a "Permanent solution to a temporary problem." Life has a way of surprising you not only with hard things, but with joyous surprises, such as a brilliant sunset, a card from a family member, a post on Facebook, flowers from your sweetheart, etc. etc. It's not always the earth shaking changes that give you courage to continue, indeed it's usually the small things that DO give you that courage.
Please TODAY...write down as many blessings as you can. I'll make a list so you can see what I mean.
1. My faith
2. My family
3. My friends
4. A safe home
5. My fur lined friends
6. Food to eat
7. Perspective that I have gained from 57 years of life
8. Eyes to see with
9. Ears to hear with
10. A brain to think with.
If your life is impossibly dark right now, write just one thing...but write more than just a couple of words. TALK TO SOMEONE! Tell them of your struggle. There are phone numbers that you can call to talk to a counselor. GET HELP! The entire internet is at your fingertips...find someone to talk to! Please oh PLEASE, do not rob our world of one more precious person!!
Today she received dreadful news. One of the teachers at her school found their fifteen year old son who had killed himself. NOT ONE MORE! We can't afford to lose one of our precious children. They are our future. It won't do any good to think, how could we have stopped him...UNLESS....unless in thinking these thoughts we can find the way to stop just ONE PERSON....one person from taking their own life.
My life has been far from easy. I was born with such severe asthma, chronic bronchitis, and very little immune system (oh did I mention that I was basically allergic to any substance known to mankind), the doctors literally told my parents that I would not live long.
We moved to Utah when I was 6 and I began school. I was a very sensitive little girl. The children said cruel, unkind things to me from first grade all the way through 12th grade. I was barked at (I was told that I was ugly, like a dog they said), things were thrown at me (including a pen that stuck in my forehead a short distance from my eye, I was sexually harassed (male students sitting around me would say the crudest, most vulgar thinks imaginable). One boy cornered me at my locker and grabbed my breasts and fondled them.
Then there were the 10 car accidents (I'm a great driver, but some of the people that I rode with weren't), many, many surgeries because of the accidents, breast cancer, and many, many other illnesses, including a long bout with clinical depression.
I don't say these things to make me seem noble...."Listen to me, I've had a hard life." I'm saying these things to affirm the fact that in my youth I considered killing myself on many occasions. What saved me was my family. They were my sanctuary, my safe haven.
Through all of the trauma and drama that I have faced I have learned the lesson over, and over, and over, again that "LIFE, EVEN IN THE WORST OF EXTREMITIES, IS PRECIOUS!" I actually repeated this mantra like to myself sometimes in the hardest times of my life.
I believe that those who kill themselves hoping to solve their problems will be shocked to learn that they are applying a "Permanent solution to a temporary problem." Life has a way of surprising you not only with hard things, but with joyous surprises, such as a brilliant sunset, a card from a family member, a post on Facebook, flowers from your sweetheart, etc. etc. It's not always the earth shaking changes that give you courage to continue, indeed it's usually the small things that DO give you that courage.
Please TODAY...write down as many blessings as you can. I'll make a list so you can see what I mean.
1. My faith
2. My family
3. My friends
4. A safe home
5. My fur lined friends
6. Food to eat
7. Perspective that I have gained from 57 years of life
8. Eyes to see with
9. Ears to hear with
10. A brain to think with.
If your life is impossibly dark right now, write just one thing...but write more than just a couple of words. TALK TO SOMEONE! Tell them of your struggle. There are phone numbers that you can call to talk to a counselor. GET HELP! The entire internet is at your fingertips...find someone to talk to! Please oh PLEASE, do not rob our world of one more precious person!!
Focus...perception...pioneers
Twirling, whirling from one end of the room to the other I kept my young focus securely on the picture in the corner of the room. These balletic turns were to help us strengthen our core, and create focus and balance.
Today is July 24th. For members of the Church of Jesus Christ of latter-day saints, this is a very special day...a day of celebration and remembrance. It doesn't matter if you are a member in Utah, or a member in Ghana...today all members stop and think about the brave men and women who marched across a wilderness to create a safe haven for themselves and their families. A place where they could worship God the way that chose to worship Him.
Like me, focusing on something as I twirled and whirled these people focused on something as well. They focused on their faith in Jesus Christ and in their belief that their Heavenly Father loved them and was watching over them. They focused on the importance of family, and friends.
I had many beloved ancestors who marched in this mass exodus. One story that touches my heart deeply is about Ann Shelton Howard, my 2nd great grandma. She was 5 foot 8 inches. That was very tall for the time. She had beautiful blue eyes, and auburn hair. She liked to keep her beautiful long, auburn hair shiny, clean, and well fashioned.
She and her husband had eleven children in quick succession. They lived in England, and struggled constantly financially. They joined the church and when they were able they sent two adult sons to America to join the Saints in Utah.
When they came west they rode first by ship for a month and several days. Then they traveled in a train boxcar that had most recently housed cattle...and had NOT been cleaned afterwards. The car was so packed that nobody could sit or lie down. They endured the stench and press of this situation for over a week.
When they began their overland trip their wagon was packed to capacity. (Did I mention that they still had nine children with them?) Then the two oldest sons accepted a job working for a trailmaster going to the same destination that they were. He paid them and the entire family needed the money.
Two of the young daughters, one 3 and one 6 became very ill and died. Then Ann, Ann of the beautiful eyes and hair fell sick. She still walked along, until finally she fainted. They made room in the wagon for her, and her little daughter held her sick Mama in her arms (there wasn't room to lie down). Ann passed away the next day.
Can you put yourself in the travel worn shoes of these people and imagine just how difficult it would be to continue? How would you bury your beloved children, and then wife, and walk away....and keep walking...and walking....and walking?
I imagine that Joseph HAD to keep moving, he still had five children counting on him for care. Yet can you imagine how leaden and heavy his heart must have been as he continued?
Talitha Cumi Garlick Avery Cheney, my 2nd great grandma on my Papa's side of the family, lost her husband, and one baby, and was left with one young son, and her brother to make the journey to Utah.
She married again and had several more children. She taught school, and taught her children to read and write.
In her late 60's her family crossed the high mountains from Utah to Idaho. Talitha recorded in her journal how difficult it was for her to walk over these immense mountains. She recorded the difficulty but didn't complain, only reported. They settled a town known as Victor, Idaho. The winters there were extreme, long, with very cold conditions, biting winds, and deep, deep snow.
What possible concern is it to us in the 21st century what happened to people so many years ago? How does history impact us in our present, and lead us to a better future?
Being a pioneer does NOT mean that JUST those who came to America, to make a better home, to free themselves from religious persecution, or to forge new possibilities in life for their families were the only pioneers. You can still be a pioneer. Right now, in your own home, you can be a pioneer.
What does that mean? Are you doing your best to forge a life for your family? Are you doing your best to teach them by example? That is pioneering....to be on a road ahead of someone, and stop to build a bridge, or some means for them to travel that is easier than the weary road you have followed.
So...today July 24, 2013...stop and think, who have been pioneers in your life? Have your parents forged a road for you to follow? Have teachers, grandparents, or even further back, great, or great great grandparents been an example, and given you courage to face life's challenges?
Happy glorious 24th of July everyone. Be a pioneer and remember to find that focus for your life...just like that picture in the corner that I focused on kept me from wobbling and going the wrong direction, the focus that you have in your life will also help you to keep from wobbling and leaving the path you have chosen.
Today is July 24th. For members of the Church of Jesus Christ of latter-day saints, this is a very special day...a day of celebration and remembrance. It doesn't matter if you are a member in Utah, or a member in Ghana...today all members stop and think about the brave men and women who marched across a wilderness to create a safe haven for themselves and their families. A place where they could worship God the way that chose to worship Him.
Like me, focusing on something as I twirled and whirled these people focused on something as well. They focused on their faith in Jesus Christ and in their belief that their Heavenly Father loved them and was watching over them. They focused on the importance of family, and friends.
I had many beloved ancestors who marched in this mass exodus. One story that touches my heart deeply is about Ann Shelton Howard, my 2nd great grandma. She was 5 foot 8 inches. That was very tall for the time. She had beautiful blue eyes, and auburn hair. She liked to keep her beautiful long, auburn hair shiny, clean, and well fashioned.
She and her husband had eleven children in quick succession. They lived in England, and struggled constantly financially. They joined the church and when they were able they sent two adult sons to America to join the Saints in Utah.
When they came west they rode first by ship for a month and several days. Then they traveled in a train boxcar that had most recently housed cattle...and had NOT been cleaned afterwards. The car was so packed that nobody could sit or lie down. They endured the stench and press of this situation for over a week.
When they began their overland trip their wagon was packed to capacity. (Did I mention that they still had nine children with them?) Then the two oldest sons accepted a job working for a trailmaster going to the same destination that they were. He paid them and the entire family needed the money.
Two of the young daughters, one 3 and one 6 became very ill and died. Then Ann, Ann of the beautiful eyes and hair fell sick. She still walked along, until finally she fainted. They made room in the wagon for her, and her little daughter held her sick Mama in her arms (there wasn't room to lie down). Ann passed away the next day.
Can you put yourself in the travel worn shoes of these people and imagine just how difficult it would be to continue? How would you bury your beloved children, and then wife, and walk away....and keep walking...and walking....and walking?
I imagine that Joseph HAD to keep moving, he still had five children counting on him for care. Yet can you imagine how leaden and heavy his heart must have been as he continued?
Talitha Cumi Garlick Avery Cheney, my 2nd great grandma on my Papa's side of the family, lost her husband, and one baby, and was left with one young son, and her brother to make the journey to Utah.
She married again and had several more children. She taught school, and taught her children to read and write.
In her late 60's her family crossed the high mountains from Utah to Idaho. Talitha recorded in her journal how difficult it was for her to walk over these immense mountains. She recorded the difficulty but didn't complain, only reported. They settled a town known as Victor, Idaho. The winters there were extreme, long, with very cold conditions, biting winds, and deep, deep snow.
What possible concern is it to us in the 21st century what happened to people so many years ago? How does history impact us in our present, and lead us to a better future?
Being a pioneer does NOT mean that JUST those who came to America, to make a better home, to free themselves from religious persecution, or to forge new possibilities in life for their families were the only pioneers. You can still be a pioneer. Right now, in your own home, you can be a pioneer.
What does that mean? Are you doing your best to forge a life for your family? Are you doing your best to teach them by example? That is pioneering....to be on a road ahead of someone, and stop to build a bridge, or some means for them to travel that is easier than the weary road you have followed.
So...today July 24, 2013...stop and think, who have been pioneers in your life? Have your parents forged a road for you to follow? Have teachers, grandparents, or even further back, great, or great great grandparents been an example, and given you courage to face life's challenges?
Happy glorious 24th of July everyone. Be a pioneer and remember to find that focus for your life...just like that picture in the corner that I focused on kept me from wobbling and going the wrong direction, the focus that you have in your life will also help you to keep from wobbling and leaving the path you have chosen.
Thursday, July 11, 2013
Story Continued...Suicide
Heather's days were difficult, but her nights were impossible. Every single night she would awaken once or twice, soaking wet from tears and sweat, her sheets wrapped around her like she had been tied in them.
She started staying up late, terrified to go to bed because Thomas wasn't in it, would NEVER BE IN IT AGAIN! Late at night she consumed bags of chocolate. She didn't drink, and she wouldn't abuse drugs, so instead she comforted herself with sugar that had chocolate connected with it.
This carb comforting caused her weight to balloon in one month she gained 15 pounds. She stopped looking in the mirror, not wanting to see the pain that was leaking out of her eyes. Sometimes she imagined the pain climbing out of her, and filling her apartment...reaching out to color everything black and white. She loved color, and slowly but surely her world turned to black, white, and gray. Next the black and white also faded and Heather was left with a shadow world...a world of gray, grayer, then grayest.
Sometimes when her baby, Roxy, would cry in the morning to get up and out of her crib Heather imagined what it would be like to take a handful of sleeping pills and then just not wake up. She wasn't quite certain what happened after you die. She knew what her religion taught, but sometimes that concept seemed like the same fantasy as Snow White, Peter Pan, and The Lion King. She wasn't frightened by the idea of never knowing consciousness again. It seemed fabulous to think of just not existing, not feeling.
She was stopped by the knowledge of what Thomas death had done to her, his child, his family, his friends, even the people who worked with him that didn't know him all that well.
Heather forced herself to keep working, and going to school. It was a Herculean effort. She really didn't care at all about anything except her precious baby. That love drove her to keep living, keep trying.
One day she came home with an armful of bills, and her baby in arm, to discover that her electricity was turned off. It was Autumn and the nights were more than just crisp they were cold.
Anger at her situation drove her to pick up the phone and call the electric company. She screamed, "How could you turn off my power. Don't you know I have a baby, and I must have warmth, and food for my baby?"
The man on the other end was completely bored with his customers. He had heard all of this before, far too many times. "Ma'am, if you can't pay your bills, it is not our problem. We are NOT a charity. We are a business. I suggest you go to your clergy, or to Workforce Services, you know, the Welfare System." Then the line went dead and Heather stood listening to an empty dial tone.
"Damn it all to hell." Heather screamed the expletive, and threw a glass across the room. The glass shattered, spraying everything for many feet. The baby started to cry, the loud noise had startled her.
Heather ran to her, "Oh God in Heaven, What have I done, what have I done?" Snatching her precious child in her arms she ran to the changing table. Carefully she removed her daughters clothes. She was ever so relieved to find that Roxy had not sustained a scratch from the glass shower. There WAS lots of shattered glass in the babies outer clothing.
Sobbing, Heather took off her own clothes. Next she carried her precious child into the bathroom, and climbed into the shower with her. Roxy was screaming, frightened by excess stimulus to her tiny brain.
Heather let the warm but not hot water flow over them. She sang soothingly to her babe a song from her childhood, "Stay awake don't rest your head. Don't lay down upon your bed. You're not sleepy as you seem. Stay awake, don't nod and dream."
Soon Roxy quit crying, relaxed, and fell asleep in Heather's arms. Heather felt like staying in the shower forever, with warm water running over her and her sleeping baby.
Finally when her skin was pruned with water Heather turned off the shower and climbed out. She massaged lotion into Roxy's skin, then dressed the baby in her buckaroo pajamas. Those buckaroo pajamas had been sewn by Thomas' mother. Mom Lila had sung Thomas to sleep with the song, "Go to Sleepy Bye, My Little Buckaroo." Roxy had already been fed at the sitter's house so Heather tucked her into her crib with her favorite blankie next to her.
Heather had just finished dressing when her doorbell rang. The decision to ignore it was instantaneous. She had no desire to talk to anyone, not even her family. When the doorbell rang twice, three times, and then four she sighed harshly. Walking down the stairs she marched to the door and angrily pulled it open.
There stood the Bishop with a broad smile on his face. "May I come in Heather?"
"This really isn't a good time, I was just about to go to bed, and Roxy is asleep, and maybe another time?"
The Bishop put his foot in the door so that Heather could NOT shut the door. "Really Heather, this won't take but just a minute, and it's rather important."
Wearily Heather led the way into her tiny front room. She picked up baby toys, and clothes that were draped everywhere as she went. She took the large armful and dumped it on her postage stamp sized table in the dining area.
The Bishop pushed some things to the side and sat down on their thrift store couch. "Heather, do you have electricity?"
That was the final straw that broke her camel-like, burden laden back. She began to sob, "Oh Bishop, I just can't do it anymore. The bills are all behind. Our family depended on Thomas' income. I can't work anymore hours and finish school. I must finish school because my current job skills don't earn enough money to support our family. The world has turned to gray Bishop, there are no colors, and don't tell me that there is light at the end of the tunnel because at the end of MY tunnel there is just another tunnel!"
The Bishop stood and awkwardly patted Heather on the shoulder. "Heather, why didn't you come to my office and tell me all of this?"
"It's MY problem Bishop, my family. I have to be responsible. Roxy needs me, but I just want to go to sleep and not wake up!"
"Heather, you are not considering killing YOURSELF are you?"
There was an extended space when Heather's sobbing would not allow her to speak. Finally she wiped her face on the back of her sleeve and said, "NO, I will NOT leave Roxy alone. Thomas and I brought her precious spirit into this world as an extension of the love we shared. I will NOT leave her alone to face this world.
The Bishop pulled up the other chair that they owned. It was wobbly, ugly, but it was a chair. Facing Heather he handed her some toilet paper that he had retrieved from their bathroom. "Have you ever considered killing Roxy, and then yourself?"
That startled Heather enough that she quit sobbing. Her answer was immediate, "NEVER! I could never take the life of my precious baby. I brought her into the world...I was in labor for three days. Stubbornly she refused to be born. I had to have a Caesarean section. After giving her life, I could NEVER take it away again.
The Bishop said, "Our church group is very concerned for you and Roxy. We love you Heather, God loves you. I know that it's hard to believe right now but life is precious...even in the worst of circumstances, and I know that your circumstances are hard as can be."
Pulling an envelope from his pocket the Bishop handed it to Heather. "The people who contributed this wanted you NOT to know their names. There were many, and I did not solicit funds from anyone. They came to me asking if they could help you.
"Where are your utility bills?
"Oh no Bishop, I couldn't..." Heather's words trailed off as she opened the envelope and saw five crisp, new hundred dollar bills.
The Bishop said, "Please Heather, the bills?"
Wordlessly Heather walked to the corner of the cupboard where the bills were stacked. She pulled out the electricity bill, the gas bill, the trash bill, and the water bill. Handing them to the Bishop she said, "But Bishop, shouldn't I use the money that they gave me to pay these?"
"No Heather, the money I just gave you needs to help with rent, and food. I know that your parents are having a tough time financially or they would help you. I want to visit with you in my office at church tomorrow night at seven o'clock. Does that work for you?"
Heather said, "Just a minute Father." Running to the kitchen she grabbed her planning journal and came back. "Seven o'clock is fine, but I will have to bring Roxy with me."
"That would be grand. I love your precious daughter. She is such a happy child."
Heather said, "Well, she's not so happy at three in the morning when she awakens with "Night terrors." Thomas used to rock her, sing to her, and pray for her. Now there is no Thomas to take a turn, or to take care of her. No Thomas...Heather began to sob frantically.
The Bishop said, "In the New Testament Christ teaches the apostles to "Lay hands" on the heads of the sick or afflicted. Then to offer a prayer of faith. I would like to pray for you Heather, is that all right?"
Heather had sobbed so hard that she had the hiccough's. She managed to get out the one syllable, positive affirmation, "YES."
The Bishop put his warm hands on Heather's head. Instantly she felt a flowing movement that seemed to come through the Bishop's hands, and into her body. Peace, warm and rich, filled her soul.
The Bishop's prayer was life affirming and positive. The line that Heather planned on remembering forever was about how much God loved her, loved Thomas, and loved Roxy. When he was finished Heather was amazed at the light, and peace that she felt in her small apartment.
The Bishop said, "Heather you still have a rough road ahead of you. I want you to understand that you will NOT walk this path alone. We have a prayer group that meets every Tuesday night at church. We pray together for those in need in our church group. Your name and Roxy's name have been prayed for with rich love, and faith, since Thomas' death.
In addition, God will NEVER leave YOU. If you feel far from God, it's because you have drawn away from Him.
He handed Heather a card. She read, "God loves you, and so do I, call me, Bishop Brown....801 555 HELP. Heather you can call me anytime, day or night that you need me. Several church members take turns with me so that I can sleep through the night once in awhile. All of the volunteers are licensed psychologists"
"We will schedule some appointments with one of the psychologist's. You need the release of being able to tell the worst to someone."
"But I have no money to pay..."
The Bishop said, "Did I say we wanted your money? This is a service provided for those in desperate need...I believe that would make you slightly OVER qualified? Right?"
Heather started to laugh, it felt good, that creation of endorphins. "Bishop, how can I thank you? How can I ever repay all of you?"
"Repay us by letting us help you. Remember my dear, all of us will need help at some point in our life. By letting us serve you, we are blessed."
The Bishop stood and walked to the door. "I'll see you at our appointment. Remember, if you need anything, anything at all, call, any hour of the night or day you can call. Also, the Bishop held up the utility bills...these will all be paid. Your power should be turned on by tomorrow or the next day. If you need to go somewhere warmer you can come to our home. OK?"
Heather stood on her tippiest toes and kissed the very tall thin Bishop's cheek. "Do you know what you just did for Roxy and me?"
The Bishop winked at her. "I gave you hope?"
Heather smiled through tears. The tears were different this time. They weren't of bitter sorrow, they were tears of joy. "Yes Bishop, you gave me hope."
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