Is there something in your life that makes is lack control....at least YOUR control? Do you have health conditions, an abusive significant other, children with "issues," elderly parents that you care for, something that can turn your carefully planned day around in a heartbeat?
When I was younger I would always get annoyed by "Self-Help" Gurus who preached the gospel of"Taking Control of your Life."
Please don't misunderstand I am not saying don't plan for the future, or don't manage time wisely, and especially not the idea, "Tonight let's get some (hmmm....pop song, I wonder what 'some' they are referring to, lol) and live while we're young?"
Each of us had a limited degree of control that we can exercise in our own lives. If you are blessed enough to have good health all of your life, a terrific job, loving family, and NO elements that are out of your control, you may want to skip this and look up those "Self-Help," gurus I referred to in the 2nd paragraph.
For those of you who have had life happen to them I wish to discuss the ONLY element that we ultimately control in this life. That is OUR REACTION to whatever life throws our way. We DO have control of that one single thread in our world.
In other words, last night I went to a free health clinic where I live. The examining registered nurse told me that my pulse was hesitating between each beat. I had felt lethargic and out of sorts all day. I would get dizzy each time I stood up.
Taking this combination of factors she advised me to get to a doctor. It was to late to get in to my doctor so I went to the ER.
After checking me out thoroughly for four hours they decided they wanted more tests and sent me off to the hospital for an overnight stay.
Today should have been MISERABLE in the extreme. I couldn't take the meds that I needed until four hours after they were due. I couldn't eat, or drink. Physically I felt distinctly unwell. Emotionally I felt intimidated by the possibility that I might be about to have a heart attack. CONTROL IN MY LIFE? Not so much.
Then Ella Enchanted entered my room. (Not her actual name) My first tip that I would really like this lady was that she had short spunky hair like mine. The second wss that this woman was filled with fireworks. They seemed to explode magically around her. (NO I was NOT on any medicine, remember?)
This dear soul and I proceeded to have a party. For the first time in my entire life I was sad to have medical tests end. We giggled, gabbed, and grew and all in a three hour span of time. She was a medical technician supremo. She keeps her room filled with charm, and joy.
If I had NOT had that arrhythmia last night, and a bit of a scare I would not have been in THAT hospital meeting Ella Enchanted. Did I have CONTROL over those circumstances....not at all. Did those circumstances lead me to something better than I could ever have imagined on my own? Absolutely!
So the next time the rug gets yanked out from under your feet in life open up your mind to possibilities. Who knows, there may be an Ella Enchanted waiting for you.
The very best part was that I'm NOT dying, having a heart attack, or anything life threatening. I have had a mitral valve prolapse most of my life and it kicks in every once in awhile. Apparently it did so yesterday, but I wanted to make certain that it was nothing new and different moving forward into my future.
If there is anybody reading this post that is a "Control Freak," somebody that thinks that they can actually wrest from life total control...loosen your tie, take your hair out of it's tightly repressed knot on the back of your head. Remember that even the most unpleasant circumstances can lead to some amazing blessings perhaps even an adventure or two!
Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass....it's about learning to dance in the rain!
Thursday, January 24, 2013
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
Walking Through the Valley of the Shadow
In the Old Testament, Psalms 23 is a beautiful literary verse. It says in part, "....Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death...." I feel distinctly like that is what I AM doing right now. The shadow of death has been occasioned by the death of my beloved husband of twenty-seven years.
I am learning new life lessons. Indeed I feel as though I am being instructed in a "Master Class," of grief and sorrow. My beloved husband was my "Dream come true." I dated LOTS of toads before I found my handsome prince. I knew pretty quickly after I found him that he WAS my handsome prince.
Due to a series of unforeseen circumstances both of us were retired by the time that we were in our forties. That meant that for the last fifteen years of Nyle's life we were together virtually twenty-four hours a day seven days a week. It was pretty rough at first. Learning our boundaries, becoming more patient with each others differences took great patience and effort.
It felt a great deal like we were rough rocks tossed into the old rock polisher. The way that this machine polished the rocks was by pounding them against each other and knocking off the rough surfaces. What emerged was a shiny, polished, beautiful creation.
Nyle was a wonderful husband. He was romantic, thoughtful, funny, talented, brilliant, the man of my dreams. So now trying to create new dreams without him hurts at the cellular level of my body.
I like to be viewed by others as an endlessly positive person. If I had my way I would outdo Pollyanna! lol Yet I am learning that sometimes you just HAVE to cry. Sometimes it helps to cry. The worst times are when the missing is too deep for the release of tears.
I can NOT look ahead to a future without my handsome prince in it. In my Mother's family the woman tend to live a LOOOOOOONNNNNNNGGGGGG time. My grandmother was 91 my mother will turn 94 in February. I wish to admit that the idea of living that long right now without Nyle is horrifying. So instead I stumble along moment to moment trying to wrest a little joy or satisfaction out of life.
The coping strategies that have served me well in life are not doing a good job with this pain. I know there are support groups for widows....it just feels like everyone involved in those groups are on the downhill side of this pain. It would help to know that someone else is fighting an ongoing battle with the "Shadow of death."
So, if any of you in "Blogville" are dealing with this sort of sorrow I would appreciate hearing from you and knowing how you are finding a "New normal."
I am learning new life lessons. Indeed I feel as though I am being instructed in a "Master Class," of grief and sorrow. My beloved husband was my "Dream come true." I dated LOTS of toads before I found my handsome prince. I knew pretty quickly after I found him that he WAS my handsome prince.
Due to a series of unforeseen circumstances both of us were retired by the time that we were in our forties. That meant that for the last fifteen years of Nyle's life we were together virtually twenty-four hours a day seven days a week. It was pretty rough at first. Learning our boundaries, becoming more patient with each others differences took great patience and effort.
It felt a great deal like we were rough rocks tossed into the old rock polisher. The way that this machine polished the rocks was by pounding them against each other and knocking off the rough surfaces. What emerged was a shiny, polished, beautiful creation.
Nyle was a wonderful husband. He was romantic, thoughtful, funny, talented, brilliant, the man of my dreams. So now trying to create new dreams without him hurts at the cellular level of my body.
I like to be viewed by others as an endlessly positive person. If I had my way I would outdo Pollyanna! lol Yet I am learning that sometimes you just HAVE to cry. Sometimes it helps to cry. The worst times are when the missing is too deep for the release of tears.
I can NOT look ahead to a future without my handsome prince in it. In my Mother's family the woman tend to live a LOOOOOOONNNNNNNGGGGGG time. My grandmother was 91 my mother will turn 94 in February. I wish to admit that the idea of living that long right now without Nyle is horrifying. So instead I stumble along moment to moment trying to wrest a little joy or satisfaction out of life.
The coping strategies that have served me well in life are not doing a good job with this pain. I know there are support groups for widows....it just feels like everyone involved in those groups are on the downhill side of this pain. It would help to know that someone else is fighting an ongoing battle with the "Shadow of death."
So, if any of you in "Blogville" are dealing with this sort of sorrow I would appreciate hearing from you and knowing how you are finding a "New normal."
Friday, January 18, 2013
Gun Control?
There is a vivid dialogue currently being presented by many of my friends and relatives on Facebook. The subject matter is gun control.
I have spent my life doing my best to emulate the peacekeeping principles prescribed by Jesus Christ as recorded in the New Testament. What that means to me is that I steer away from contentious dialogue. I prefer to see the commonalities that exists among humanity rather than the differences.
On the other hand, I simply can't be silent on this issue anymore. I have heard rhetoric explaining how the "Right to bear arms," made it possible for the Civil Rights Movement to exist...the blacks needed to have the power to defend themselves against the Klan and other bigoted groups, often including the law keepers of their towns.
I have heard many, MANY interpretations of the 2nd amendment. I decided that instead of seeing the 2nd amendment of our constitution through the eyes of the NRA, or the counter arguments I would read the famous amendment for myself.
My husband Nyle used to say that the dialogue over "the right to bear arms," was misinterpreted constantly. He was frustrated that such a short historical statement could be interpreted in so many different ways.
I feel that it's important to take a historical statement in the context of the time period that it was made. So I decided to paste the actual 2nd amendment below so that as much as possible any discussion on this subject could start on a common ground.
To be clear I would like to have a healthy non-emotional discussion of these issues. That means I would welcome comments and opinions of others, but NOT contentious, angry discussions. I enjoy intellectual communicaton. In this manner I gain knowledge.
Amendment II
A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.
I wonder if those men that drafted this short amendment had any idea the furor that those simple words would cause over the history of our country.
Let's start by putting their words into a historical setting. They had just fought a huge battle with England for the right to be their own country. A militia was what we would now call "the military." There was no Navy, Marines, Airforce, or Army. There simply was a citizenry of patriots doing their best to defend home, religion, and country.
It WAS essential that this citizenry had the essential right to own a gun. It was essential not only for defense, but also to procure food and protection for their individual families.
So to me the words "Being necessary to the security of a free State," defines a different time and place. In this time and place we have police, we have a HUGE military organization or in the words of the 2nd amendment (militia).
Oh this is such a huge issue that my head aches from trying to tackle it. Yet I wish to express MY point of view.
In this country we have seen bloodbath after bloodbath caused by individuals who were mentally disturbed in one way or another. In the wake of yet another horror (school in the East where a semi-automatic gun and far too much ammunition enabled a disturbed young man to slaughter innocent children) we all wish to find some peg on which to hang blame.
If the principle had a gun at school would he have been able to stop the madness? How about the school teacher, should they have also had guns? Do we now ascribe to the idea that if we ALL carry a gun we can ALL defend ourselves? Are WE the militia that the founders of the Bill of Rights had in mind? That asks the question DO we ALL have need of carrying guns to defend ourselves?
The next peg I have often heard is that the senseless violence that has been perpetrated over and over again in the United States by these aforementioned disturbed individuals is a direct result of violent video games and violent movies.
Then the following question is, "Where are the parents? Why are they allowing their children access to such disturbing material?
After incredible sorrow, the death of precious innocents in a world where we need all the innocence we can cling to, we all long to find some principle, some practice, some something to BLAME! It's a natural part of the grief process. So off we dash to point our fingers in the direction of whatever makes the most sense to us.
One other area that is my particular arena (I was violently bullied for all twelve years of my public education) is bullying. So many, TOO MANY of these "disturbed individuals," have been the victims of ongoing, consistent bullying....day in and out, five days a week. In some instances that adds up from first grade through twelth.
Psychology says that it takes around 4 positive statements to rub out the effects of one negative statement. If that is true think of how many years it might take to rid the soul and being of a sensitive person from twelve hideous, frustrating, years of being bullied. If you took the ratio literally that would mean twelve years times four which would give the amount of forty eight years. That is assuming that the following forty-eight years you were filled with constant positive messages. Forty eight years of living to cleanse your heart and soul from the conscious, and sub-conscious effects of daily, consistent, persistent sieges of attack from bullies.
This is an issue that our blaming finger is often pointed at. If bullying were done away with these shootings would stop.
Now next idea. Did the framers of the constitution foresee semi-automatic and automatic weaponry? Would they have seen the need for regular citizens to have carried such extreme firepower?
If the latest perpetrator's mother had NOT had enormous quantities of guns and ammunition would this boy still be alive, as would the children, and his mother also?
England and Canada have stringent laws against the ownership of such weapons. They still have killings and violence, but in comparison to our own it's far smaller.
We often hear, "If guns are outlawed then only criminals will have guns." Again, England and Canada with their strict gun laws don't face nearly the range of violent crime that we do in the United States. So this concept does not seem true when looking at empirical evidence.
In summary, I feel that it is IMPERATIVE that we find ways to limit the purchase of large quantities of guns and ammunition in our country. Are we all looking forward to a future when each city will have the need for defense? If that is the case gun laws will NOT matter. In an apocalyptic world EVERYTHING will change. The good news is that WE ARE NOT IN AN APOCALYPTIC world. To protect ourselves from a world where anarchy reigns we need laws, rules, and regulations AND FAR FEWER GUNS!
I have spent my life doing my best to emulate the peacekeeping principles prescribed by Jesus Christ as recorded in the New Testament. What that means to me is that I steer away from contentious dialogue. I prefer to see the commonalities that exists among humanity rather than the differences.
On the other hand, I simply can't be silent on this issue anymore. I have heard rhetoric explaining how the "Right to bear arms," made it possible for the Civil Rights Movement to exist...the blacks needed to have the power to defend themselves against the Klan and other bigoted groups, often including the law keepers of their towns.
I have heard many, MANY interpretations of the 2nd amendment. I decided that instead of seeing the 2nd amendment of our constitution through the eyes of the NRA, or the counter arguments I would read the famous amendment for myself.
My husband Nyle used to say that the dialogue over "the right to bear arms," was misinterpreted constantly. He was frustrated that such a short historical statement could be interpreted in so many different ways.
I feel that it's important to take a historical statement in the context of the time period that it was made. So I decided to paste the actual 2nd amendment below so that as much as possible any discussion on this subject could start on a common ground.
To be clear I would like to have a healthy non-emotional discussion of these issues. That means I would welcome comments and opinions of others, but NOT contentious, angry discussions. I enjoy intellectual communicaton. In this manner I gain knowledge.
Amendment II
A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.
I wonder if those men that drafted this short amendment had any idea the furor that those simple words would cause over the history of our country.
Let's start by putting their words into a historical setting. They had just fought a huge battle with England for the right to be their own country. A militia was what we would now call "the military." There was no Navy, Marines, Airforce, or Army. There simply was a citizenry of patriots doing their best to defend home, religion, and country.
It WAS essential that this citizenry had the essential right to own a gun. It was essential not only for defense, but also to procure food and protection for their individual families.
So to me the words "Being necessary to the security of a free State," defines a different time and place. In this time and place we have police, we have a HUGE military organization or in the words of the 2nd amendment (militia).
Oh this is such a huge issue that my head aches from trying to tackle it. Yet I wish to express MY point of view.
In this country we have seen bloodbath after bloodbath caused by individuals who were mentally disturbed in one way or another. In the wake of yet another horror (school in the East where a semi-automatic gun and far too much ammunition enabled a disturbed young man to slaughter innocent children) we all wish to find some peg on which to hang blame.
If the principle had a gun at school would he have been able to stop the madness? How about the school teacher, should they have also had guns? Do we now ascribe to the idea that if we ALL carry a gun we can ALL defend ourselves? Are WE the militia that the founders of the Bill of Rights had in mind? That asks the question DO we ALL have need of carrying guns to defend ourselves?
The next peg I have often heard is that the senseless violence that has been perpetrated over and over again in the United States by these aforementioned disturbed individuals is a direct result of violent video games and violent movies.
Then the following question is, "Where are the parents? Why are they allowing their children access to such disturbing material?
After incredible sorrow, the death of precious innocents in a world where we need all the innocence we can cling to, we all long to find some principle, some practice, some something to BLAME! It's a natural part of the grief process. So off we dash to point our fingers in the direction of whatever makes the most sense to us.
One other area that is my particular arena (I was violently bullied for all twelve years of my public education) is bullying. So many, TOO MANY of these "disturbed individuals," have been the victims of ongoing, consistent bullying....day in and out, five days a week. In some instances that adds up from first grade through twelth.
Psychology says that it takes around 4 positive statements to rub out the effects of one negative statement. If that is true think of how many years it might take to rid the soul and being of a sensitive person from twelve hideous, frustrating, years of being bullied. If you took the ratio literally that would mean twelve years times four which would give the amount of forty eight years. That is assuming that the following forty-eight years you were filled with constant positive messages. Forty eight years of living to cleanse your heart and soul from the conscious, and sub-conscious effects of daily, consistent, persistent sieges of attack from bullies.
This is an issue that our blaming finger is often pointed at. If bullying were done away with these shootings would stop.
Now next idea. Did the framers of the constitution foresee semi-automatic and automatic weaponry? Would they have seen the need for regular citizens to have carried such extreme firepower?
If the latest perpetrator's mother had NOT had enormous quantities of guns and ammunition would this boy still be alive, as would the children, and his mother also?
England and Canada have stringent laws against the ownership of such weapons. They still have killings and violence, but in comparison to our own it's far smaller.
We often hear, "If guns are outlawed then only criminals will have guns." Again, England and Canada with their strict gun laws don't face nearly the range of violent crime that we do in the United States. So this concept does not seem true when looking at empirical evidence.
In summary, I feel that it is IMPERATIVE that we find ways to limit the purchase of large quantities of guns and ammunition in our country. Are we all looking forward to a future when each city will have the need for defense? If that is the case gun laws will NOT matter. In an apocalyptic world EVERYTHING will change. The good news is that WE ARE NOT IN AN APOCALYPTIC world. To protect ourselves from a world where anarchy reigns we need laws, rules, and regulations AND FAR FEWER GUNS!
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
White Flag Days
I would be a fool to suggest that every single day of life you can be balanced, rational, and non-emotional. I believe that one of the lessons we can learn very well on earth is how to tame our emotions, focus on the positive, and create our own reality....hopefully not a psychotic break.
Having said that there are just times that I symbolically fly a white flag and cry out in my own mind, "I surrender!" I have through the years created certain rules for myself regarding White Flag Days. Rule #1....These times which are often called "pity parties," are never longer than a day. It's ok, even necessary to surrender once in awhile, but like Cinderella if the time period goes past midnight into the next day you have committed a serious sin....WALLOWING! Remember how sad Cinderella was when she didn't get out by midnight?
Wallowing is a very dangerous condition. It's when you become blinded by your own personal misery into the idea that YOUR grief is bigger and sharper than someone else's grief. Your particular brand of suffering somehow should be spoken about in soft sad whispers or shouted in loud, emphatic tones!
Stop the wallowing. Stand up straight. Then proceed to your coping tools.
1. It's a BRAND NEW DAY. You've never had this day before. Feel excited by the little surprises of knowledge and living tucked away into this stream of consciousness we call living.
2. There is virtually an unlimited supply of chocolate in this world. Chocolate that can be hot or cold, candy or mole sauce, chocolate that causes a lovely euphoric sense that can last for an hour or two....HOORAY FOR CHOCOLATE! What's that? Chocolate causes you to break out in fat? There have been scientific studies that show that people who use fat as a coping technique ARE usually happier than other individuals, and are NOT unhealthier. Have you ever noticed that there is a scientific study for EVERYTHING? How DO they justify spending money to support the wise things that the rest of the world already knows?
3. Do a spiritual cleanse....I don't care if you are Christian, Buddhist, or Agnostic, we all know that there is some sort of force, or energy that causes our physical body to move about. That energy needs to be strengthened and cleansed to recharge you and give you vitality. So, read your scriptures, pray, meditate, stand on your head, do yoga....find some expression that cools down your emotions and heats up your motivation to make the best choices available to you.
4. Call a dear friend. Today as I was busily melting down the phone rings. It's a dear friend. We were young together. We danced on a stage, acted, laughed, loved, lived, and learned together. At the time we thought that we were very mature. From the vantage point of several decades away I feel differently. Nevertheless this beloved friend and I have sailed the seas of life together. I know that she loves me, and I love her. After speaking to her I always feel better about life. If you don't have such a friend yet, GET ONE! Better yet, BE one!
5. Serve someone else. It never fails to amaze me that the tiniest act of service, even if it's just to smile at someone in a rush that is obviously stressed also lifts my load. The other day I spent about fifteen minutes explaining some crafting principles to a lovely young woman. I'm not sure that it helped her but I felt lighter and better connected to the community of humanity that we call life.
6. Laugh....yes, you heard me right, laugh! Another one of those scientific studies showed that 15 minutes of laughing at a funny movie, with a good friend, or any other humor inducing type of positive practice produced enough brain chemicals to support positive contentment for a small portion of the day. So imagine what two hours of humor could do?
Well that's my list for today. I wish that anyone that reads this would be kind enough to add to MY list. I am always on the lookout for great coping techniques.
Having said that there are just times that I symbolically fly a white flag and cry out in my own mind, "I surrender!" I have through the years created certain rules for myself regarding White Flag Days. Rule #1....These times which are often called "pity parties," are never longer than a day. It's ok, even necessary to surrender once in awhile, but like Cinderella if the time period goes past midnight into the next day you have committed a serious sin....WALLOWING! Remember how sad Cinderella was when she didn't get out by midnight?
Wallowing is a very dangerous condition. It's when you become blinded by your own personal misery into the idea that YOUR grief is bigger and sharper than someone else's grief. Your particular brand of suffering somehow should be spoken about in soft sad whispers or shouted in loud, emphatic tones!
Stop the wallowing. Stand up straight. Then proceed to your coping tools.
1. It's a BRAND NEW DAY. You've never had this day before. Feel excited by the little surprises of knowledge and living tucked away into this stream of consciousness we call living.
2. There is virtually an unlimited supply of chocolate in this world. Chocolate that can be hot or cold, candy or mole sauce, chocolate that causes a lovely euphoric sense that can last for an hour or two....HOORAY FOR CHOCOLATE! What's that? Chocolate causes you to break out in fat? There have been scientific studies that show that people who use fat as a coping technique ARE usually happier than other individuals, and are NOT unhealthier. Have you ever noticed that there is a scientific study for EVERYTHING? How DO they justify spending money to support the wise things that the rest of the world already knows?
3. Do a spiritual cleanse....I don't care if you are Christian, Buddhist, or Agnostic, we all know that there is some sort of force, or energy that causes our physical body to move about. That energy needs to be strengthened and cleansed to recharge you and give you vitality. So, read your scriptures, pray, meditate, stand on your head, do yoga....find some expression that cools down your emotions and heats up your motivation to make the best choices available to you.
4. Call a dear friend. Today as I was busily melting down the phone rings. It's a dear friend. We were young together. We danced on a stage, acted, laughed, loved, lived, and learned together. At the time we thought that we were very mature. From the vantage point of several decades away I feel differently. Nevertheless this beloved friend and I have sailed the seas of life together. I know that she loves me, and I love her. After speaking to her I always feel better about life. If you don't have such a friend yet, GET ONE! Better yet, BE one!
5. Serve someone else. It never fails to amaze me that the tiniest act of service, even if it's just to smile at someone in a rush that is obviously stressed also lifts my load. The other day I spent about fifteen minutes explaining some crafting principles to a lovely young woman. I'm not sure that it helped her but I felt lighter and better connected to the community of humanity that we call life.
6. Laugh....yes, you heard me right, laugh! Another one of those scientific studies showed that 15 minutes of laughing at a funny movie, with a good friend, or any other humor inducing type of positive practice produced enough brain chemicals to support positive contentment for a small portion of the day. So imagine what two hours of humor could do?
Well that's my list for today. I wish that anyone that reads this would be kind enough to add to MY list. I am always on the lookout for great coping techniques.
Monday, December 31, 2012
HANDSOME BEYOND BELIEF
I opened the door of the theatre office at BYU. I was receptionist/secretary for the theater department of the college. My boss asked me if I would like to do some freelance typing using the word processor that the department owned. I was happy for the opportunity.
When I opened the door to the tall, dark, stranger at the theatre office I was slightly startled. It wasn't due to feelings of danger. This man had the kindest face. It was also the handsomest face. He was a giant of a man standing at six foot four inches.
I did not immediately feel that my soul mate had arrived at last. For me there was no love at first sight. What I did enjoy was that he was silly and playful. He actually laughed at my jokes!
I typed for him quite often for the next month. One of his works was a screenplay called Allovial. In the middle of that screenplay love arrived. I felt that anyone who could create an alternate reality with imagination, humor, and tenderness was someone that I wanted to know better and possibly spend the rest of my life with!
I invited Nyle to my house for a birthday party...for me. I only invited one other person. The other person was a young man who was wickedly handsome. He had asked me out on a date and I turned him down. Sean was the type of man that it would be fun to be stranded on a dessert island with, but only for a short time. I sensed that Nyle was the type of man that I could depend on, day to day, for an entire lifetime.
Nyle told me later that he thought that Sean was my real interest, and that I asked Nyle to throw Sean off the scent. It was actually the other way around. I invited Sean so that Nyle wouldn't know I was interested. It was the first time in Nyle's relationship with Sean that a woman had been more interested in HIM than in Sean.
When I invited the two men I had no idea that they had a love/hate relationship. They were both game masters. They played games in the method that the knights of old jousted. There were no TIES or civility in their playing. Whatever the game that they played it was for blood.
It was uncomfortable at first because they were coming off a hate cycle. They had not spoken to each other for a while. When we started playing a game of Scrabble they both attacked the game with such concentration that they didn't even pay attention to my playing. This was to my advantage. Since they paid me no attention I was able to sneak past both of them and win.
I'm still not certain if they let me win. It was the one and only time in my entire life with Nyle that I won him at Scrabble. Did I mention that the man played for blood? He was a very complex man. He was loving, and generous to a fault. Yet when playing games Nyle thrived on the strategy and competition.
I had no great design in writing this post other than to review the events that led me to marriage with my tall, dark, handsome Nyle. I will love him until the day that I die and beyond the grave forever.
I am a romance novelist. I declare this identity with pride. Romance for me is endlessly fascinating. Every time a man and woman grow in love (you don't FALL in love....love elevates you, lifts you to higher heights) it's new, and watching them grow together to become a family, never boring....NEVER!
So as a romance writer I will from time to time explore my own romance with Nyle. It gives me great comfort as I approach the one year anniversary of his death. He died on January 11, 2012.
If you list the date in numbers it is 1-11-12. Notice that the sequence of numbers creates 11:11.
Early in our marriage Nyle proclaimed that 11:11 was a magical time of the day. It was the only time that the numbers were four identical numbers. It only came twice a day and only lasted for a minute each time. So Nyle said that if we were together at that moment we would hold hands, until 11:12 came around.
It made me happy to think that even in his last moments of life he left me the gift of remembrance. Remembrance of our love created by numbers.
Nyle, I remember you today and everyday in light, in love, and in numbers!
I did not immediately feel that my soul mate had arrived at last. For me there was no love at first sight. What I did enjoy was that he was silly and playful. He actually laughed at my jokes!
I typed for him quite often for the next month. One of his works was a screenplay called Allovial. In the middle of that screenplay love arrived. I felt that anyone who could create an alternate reality with imagination, humor, and tenderness was someone that I wanted to know better and possibly spend the rest of my life with!
I invited Nyle to my house for a birthday party...for me. I only invited one other person. The other person was a young man who was wickedly handsome. He had asked me out on a date and I turned him down. Sean was the type of man that it would be fun to be stranded on a dessert island with, but only for a short time. I sensed that Nyle was the type of man that I could depend on, day to day, for an entire lifetime.
Nyle told me later that he thought that Sean was my real interest, and that I asked Nyle to throw Sean off the scent. It was actually the other way around. I invited Sean so that Nyle wouldn't know I was interested. It was the first time in Nyle's relationship with Sean that a woman had been more interested in HIM than in Sean.
When I invited the two men I had no idea that they had a love/hate relationship. They were both game masters. They played games in the method that the knights of old jousted. There were no TIES or civility in their playing. Whatever the game that they played it was for blood.
It was uncomfortable at first because they were coming off a hate cycle. They had not spoken to each other for a while. When we started playing a game of Scrabble they both attacked the game with such concentration that they didn't even pay attention to my playing. This was to my advantage. Since they paid me no attention I was able to sneak past both of them and win.
I'm still not certain if they let me win. It was the one and only time in my entire life with Nyle that I won him at Scrabble. Did I mention that the man played for blood? He was a very complex man. He was loving, and generous to a fault. Yet when playing games Nyle thrived on the strategy and competition.
I had no great design in writing this post other than to review the events that led me to marriage with my tall, dark, handsome Nyle. I will love him until the day that I die and beyond the grave forever.
I am a romance novelist. I declare this identity with pride. Romance for me is endlessly fascinating. Every time a man and woman grow in love (you don't FALL in love....love elevates you, lifts you to higher heights) it's new, and watching them grow together to become a family, never boring....NEVER!
So as a romance writer I will from time to time explore my own romance with Nyle. It gives me great comfort as I approach the one year anniversary of his death. He died on January 11, 2012.
If you list the date in numbers it is 1-11-12. Notice that the sequence of numbers creates 11:11.
Early in our marriage Nyle proclaimed that 11:11 was a magical time of the day. It was the only time that the numbers were four identical numbers. It only came twice a day and only lasted for a minute each time. So Nyle said that if we were together at that moment we would hold hands, until 11:12 came around.
It made me happy to think that even in his last moments of life he left me the gift of remembrance. Remembrance of our love created by numbers.
Nyle, I remember you today and everyday in light, in love, and in numbers!
Friday, December 21, 2012
Christmas or Chaos
It's the glorious season again of Christmas. It's a time of rushing, reflection, and reward. It's a time to re-establish your priorities for the coming year. It's a time of miracles, lights, and love.
How ragged is it then in this joyous season that families are torn, crying, broken hearted for their beloved children of promise? Precious little souls cut down in the very eve of their potential. Families that feel as though they will never be whole again? A senseless slaughter of innocence caused by a madman.
To add insult to injury the costs of funerals, burials, etc. etc. are prohibitive. It's around $800.00 for a short eulogy in the newspaper. How critical is it to these parents to feel that they gave their little ones the best in death.
Now I wish to shift to a different tragedy. The forces of nature tore apart the lives of many in the eastern section of our country. Homes are gone, families are splintered, finances are destroyed, and life has become a mere matter of survival from moment to moment.
Do I believe that GOD or Creator or whatever you choose to call the Power of Creation of this planet earth caused so much pain and suffering. NO....once again emphatically NO! What I DO believe is that this earth is a trying ground, a place of proving, and testing. That means that human agency is in play. So that means that someone disturbed and wounded can cause the senseless slaughter of precious little ones. That means that sometimes we may be flooded, or in an earthquake, or tsunami. The worst part is AFTER the initial blow of tragedy.
When our precious son died inside me. My Father-in Law gave me timeless advice. He said, "Pray more than you've ever prayed before!" It is a natural thing to blame God for the tragedy. After all human nature DEMANDS that someone be at fault! Especially in the face of natural disaster it would seem fitting to blame God.
Resist that temptation. Instead turn to God...He will bring peace when your strength is not sufficient. I watched a movie one day where one cancer patient asked another, "Do you ever get angry at God for this disease?" The other woman was silent for a moment carefully choosing her words. Finally she said, "I can't afford to be angry at God. I NEED HIM TOO MUCH!" It is a choice for all of us. Do we let tragedy make us BETTER or BITTER?
Now for a happier story. Twice this month total strangers have reached out to me in love when I had a physical need. I did NOT request the assistance yet it was freely given....again BY TOTAL STRANGERS TO ME.
This simple acts of human decency happen every single day in our great country. Rather than wallowing in the all too human sorrow of tragedy, let us reach out to each other and find ways to help and support.
I love the song, "I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day." "For hate is strong and mocks the song of peace on earth good will to men." That is one of the lines. The writer of the hymn had lost a precious son in a war. The next verse tells some more of the story, "Then pealed the bells more loud and deep, GOD IS NOT DEAD OR DOTH HE SLEEP....the wrong shall fail, the right prevail with peace on earth good will to men."
I'm praying for all those struggling this Christmas. I'm praying that they may find that precious "Peace that surpasseth understanding." I'm praying that hands will be raised up to feed the hungry, and succor the sorrowing.
How ragged is it then in this joyous season that families are torn, crying, broken hearted for their beloved children of promise? Precious little souls cut down in the very eve of their potential. Families that feel as though they will never be whole again? A senseless slaughter of innocence caused by a madman.
To add insult to injury the costs of funerals, burials, etc. etc. are prohibitive. It's around $800.00 for a short eulogy in the newspaper. How critical is it to these parents to feel that they gave their little ones the best in death.
Now I wish to shift to a different tragedy. The forces of nature tore apart the lives of many in the eastern section of our country. Homes are gone, families are splintered, finances are destroyed, and life has become a mere matter of survival from moment to moment.
Do I believe that GOD or Creator or whatever you choose to call the Power of Creation of this planet earth caused so much pain and suffering. NO....once again emphatically NO! What I DO believe is that this earth is a trying ground, a place of proving, and testing. That means that human agency is in play. So that means that someone disturbed and wounded can cause the senseless slaughter of precious little ones. That means that sometimes we may be flooded, or in an earthquake, or tsunami. The worst part is AFTER the initial blow of tragedy.
When our precious son died inside me. My Father-in Law gave me timeless advice. He said, "Pray more than you've ever prayed before!" It is a natural thing to blame God for the tragedy. After all human nature DEMANDS that someone be at fault! Especially in the face of natural disaster it would seem fitting to blame God.
Resist that temptation. Instead turn to God...He will bring peace when your strength is not sufficient. I watched a movie one day where one cancer patient asked another, "Do you ever get angry at God for this disease?" The other woman was silent for a moment carefully choosing her words. Finally she said, "I can't afford to be angry at God. I NEED HIM TOO MUCH!" It is a choice for all of us. Do we let tragedy make us BETTER or BITTER?
Now for a happier story. Twice this month total strangers have reached out to me in love when I had a physical need. I did NOT request the assistance yet it was freely given....again BY TOTAL STRANGERS TO ME.
This simple acts of human decency happen every single day in our great country. Rather than wallowing in the all too human sorrow of tragedy, let us reach out to each other and find ways to help and support.
I love the song, "I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day." "For hate is strong and mocks the song of peace on earth good will to men." That is one of the lines. The writer of the hymn had lost a precious son in a war. The next verse tells some more of the story, "Then pealed the bells more loud and deep, GOD IS NOT DEAD OR DOTH HE SLEEP....the wrong shall fail, the right prevail with peace on earth good will to men."
I'm praying for all those struggling this Christmas. I'm praying that they may find that precious "Peace that surpasseth understanding." I'm praying that hands will be raised up to feed the hungry, and succor the sorrowing.
Monday, December 17, 2012
Perspective....Half Full....Half Empty
First thing in the morning I MUST take my doggy Rolly for a Strolly. (I do like rhyming, you may notice.) This morning as Rolly pranced along (I didn't prance....I just kind of walked slowly) I looked to the western sky. Fresh blueness of sky greeted my morning eyes. I stopped for a moment (Rolly was having a sniff fest at that moment) I filled my soul with the newness of this day, and the beauty of blue sky.
After walking to the west for a short distance we turned to retrace our steps. Savage, dark, clouds greeted my vision. The clouds were heavy, leaden, and appeared to hold copious quantities of snow.
Perspective.....it seems such an ordinary word but it literally frames our days and nights on this earth. We hear about this subject often...because it's SO IMPORTANT!
The sky was brilliant blue AND dark with threats of snow. Where did I choose to gaze? Even the words that I just used to describe the contrast of sky could be changed to a more positive interpretation...laced with the beauty of snowfall.
Another rhyming phrase that I focus on is an Attitude of Gratitude. This rhyming phrase has carried me through many a dark day and night. There is a lovely little song that says, "When I am tired and I can't sleep, I count my blessings instead of sheep, and I fall asleep, counting my blessings!"
Another perspective lesson that I remember was flying. Leaving Portland our plane went soaring, up, up, up. We passed through layers of rain laden cloud. When we reached crusing altitude the sky was brilliant blue. It reminded me of a folk song from my youth, "I've looked at clouds from both sides now, from up and down..." Wondrous to see "Clouds from both sides..."
As I flew on that day years ago I was startled by the realization that ALWAYS above the clouds and dark weather of life there is the bluest of beautiful sky. It's up to us to see that brilliant blue sky and remember that it's always above us even when clouds of storm block it from our view.
In my personal season of sorrow I DO "Count my blessings instead of sheep." I know that my sweetheart who had a personal motto, "Happy not Crappy" would expect nothing less of me.
Oh I DO lose my perspective. I DO have pity parties. Yet instead of letting life push me down, and then staying down, I WILL bounce up! You never fail until you quit trying. I will KEEP trying...every day....and every night!
After walking to the west for a short distance we turned to retrace our steps. Savage, dark, clouds greeted my vision. The clouds were heavy, leaden, and appeared to hold copious quantities of snow.
Perspective.....it seems such an ordinary word but it literally frames our days and nights on this earth. We hear about this subject often...because it's SO IMPORTANT!
The sky was brilliant blue AND dark with threats of snow. Where did I choose to gaze? Even the words that I just used to describe the contrast of sky could be changed to a more positive interpretation...laced with the beauty of snowfall.
Another rhyming phrase that I focus on is an Attitude of Gratitude. This rhyming phrase has carried me through many a dark day and night. There is a lovely little song that says, "When I am tired and I can't sleep, I count my blessings instead of sheep, and I fall asleep, counting my blessings!"
Another perspective lesson that I remember was flying. Leaving Portland our plane went soaring, up, up, up. We passed through layers of rain laden cloud. When we reached crusing altitude the sky was brilliant blue. It reminded me of a folk song from my youth, "I've looked at clouds from both sides now, from up and down..." Wondrous to see "Clouds from both sides..."
As I flew on that day years ago I was startled by the realization that ALWAYS above the clouds and dark weather of life there is the bluest of beautiful sky. It's up to us to see that brilliant blue sky and remember that it's always above us even when clouds of storm block it from our view.
In my personal season of sorrow I DO "Count my blessings instead of sheep." I know that my sweetheart who had a personal motto, "Happy not Crappy" would expect nothing less of me.
Oh I DO lose my perspective. I DO have pity parties. Yet instead of letting life push me down, and then staying down, I WILL bounce up! You never fail until you quit trying. I will KEEP trying...every day....and every night!
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