WARNING...this post involves disability, and cancer...read at your own risk.

I try very hard to inspire.  I learned early in my life that if I inspired others, it helped to inspire me as well.  I would far rather view the moments of joy and glory in my life, than the valley of the shadow of death that I have often walked through.  The joy and glory are still there but the shadow...the dark valley are often there as well.  It is our choice where to focus.

In the Bible the 23rd Psalm says, "Ye thou I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for Thou art with me..."  I was born with an absolute knowledge that there is a God, Higher Power, Jehovah, whatever name you choose to call him or her, or if you prefer not to refer to the sacred name at all, I KNOW that there is Higher Power.  That has been a rich blessing in my life.

If you have no solid concept of any form of Higher Power I would encourage you to look to the restorative gifts of nature.  The majesty of mountain peaks, the wonder of trees greening every color, the seasons that provide variety and renewal to life, look closely at all of these gifts and hold wonder close to your heart.

In World War II my father was a paratrooper and an infantry man.  Shortly before that he had served as a missionary for The Church of Jesus Christ of latter-day Saints.  In that position he was a minister teaching about Jesus, love, and peace.

Not long after his return home his strong sense of patriotism drove him to enlist.  He would have been drafted if he didn't enlist, but our family had been part of America long before it WAS America.  I think his heart beat rhythm was America the Beautiful.

He saw the horrors of the earth being torn to pieces by explosives.  Beautiful places would be laid to waste.  He served in the Occupation Troops in Japan.  Years after the war he spoke about the wonder he felt as he saw nature heal those gaping wounds.  The earth would take time to renew and regrow, but eventually new plants would arise from the ashes.  Trees that had been splintered and twisted, would shelter new sprouts that pushed through the damaged soil towards the sunshine.

I have faced breast cancer once before.  I have the perspective that I went through incredibly hard before, and came out stronger and more determined to live life to its fullest.

That said,  I would prefer NEVER to face cancer, or disability.  I am angry on and off right now.  I am the least angry when I first wake up.  Then, once again the idea of what I'm facing engulfs me.  Double mastectomy.  The first time I had cancer my nipple was burned so badly by the radiation that it felt as though needles were being driven in and out.  This torture would have been extremely effective if someone were trying to elicit secrets from me. 

I lived two states away from my marvelous mom.  She kept calling and saying, "I can come any time.  Are you certain that you don't need some help?"

I would reply with determination, "Thanks mom, I love you, but I'm an adult.  I've got this."

When the pain started in my nipple that was the very last straw.  I called her sobbing, "Mommy, I need you!"  She was there the very next day.

The breast biopsy has awakened the sleeping torture of nipple pain.  It's AWFUL.  I live with chronic pain, nerve, muscle, and bone.  I've given birth three times.  I have had a kidney stone, too large for me to pass.  I  KNOW what pain is.  This particular pain rises high above the others in intensity.

It's also unfortunate that it is in a location that you shouldn't touch in public.  When this pain hits, it doesn't matter whether I'm at the grocery store, or church, I grab that breast.  A certain type of pressure eases the pain.

Will this pain still haunt me when all of the breast tissue is gone?  I pray that is not the case.  Even strong pain medication doesn't get rid of this, it makes it slightly more manageable but it is still there.
I always like to infuse something positive in my blog posts.  I can't do it this time.  The valley has laid me bare.  Yet I do know that this WILL pass.  I will remember my father's image about the restoration of wounded earth.  I will NOT allow this cancer to destroy me or my vision for the future.