Tuesday, July 9, 2013

New Mountain to Climb...VERY SLOWLY?

I am terrified!  Let me try a different approach.  I am HORRIFIED!  Not quite right.  I AM SCARED TO PIECES!

Last week I wrote many posts on Miracles.  THIS WEEK...drumroll, I found out that not only are my knees a little bad, the actual joint on both has been shifted sideways.  The cartilage is GONE on part of my knee, and the lower leg bone and knee joint have become way too familiar with each other!!

This explains why my knee collapses when I stand, or walk.  It means I need my knee replaced.  I just watched my beloved sister go through a double knee replacement and that is where I am going.  In her words, "It's HELL!"  This from my sweet, non-swearing sister.

Healing is supposed to take three months...oh how I hope that is true.  Let's see there was my foot surgery that was supposed to take SIX WEEKS, and instead took SIX MONTHS.  Or my tonsillectomy at the age of 32 that was supposed to be a non-deal, and took ONE MONTH to heal.  In other words I don't heal very well. 

Knee replacements have come a long way in my lifetime.  When my sweetie needed his knee replaced they told him that it would only last 15 years so he would need to have it replaced multiple times in his life!  Now the possible life of a new knee is THIRTY YEARS....double what it was just 20 years ago.  (Yes 20 is a JUST when you are at least halfway to ONE HUNDRED)

I AM fearful of pain...I have lived with the chronic variety for 20 years now (there's that 20 years things again) and I have learned that living with chronic pain does NOT mean that the longer you live with it the better you cope.  To the contrary, it's like listening to a drip of water, over and over for years, and years...just sitting and listening to that drip of water.  No other activity, just DRIP, DRIP, DRIP....over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over and over, and over, and over, and over...(times the rest of your life!)  If you think that you could handle that...no problem, right?  Well psychology has a word for that belief, DELUSIONAL!

So once again I am there....that frightening, annoying place where chronic pain meets with ACUTE pain control.  My coping structures are all scurrying to get in place...but quite honestly I feel like one giant fear generated WHITE KNUCKLE!  (You remember in the romance novel....the hero or shero is clenching their hands together so tightly for whatever reason that they develop the dreaded WHITE KNUCKLES?)

My beloved daughter said, "WHY US?  Why are WE faced with medical crisis over, and over, and over, and over, again?  We ALL ask this question at some point or another.  There IS no answer to that question. 

I try to ask another question of myself.  (Sometimes that is harder than others).  Not why but HOW?  HOW gives me a positive action to move with instead of asking a question that has NO ANSWER.  HOW do we face this difficulty, challenge, struggle, trauma? 

With each new challenge that life hands me I throw a LARGE, indeed HUGE pity party.  I DO set a time limit on that party.  If the party bleeds over into the next day...and the day after that...etc. etc. it changes from a pity party to WALLOWING!  Wallowing is ever so dangerous.  It can lead to nothing positive and everything negative.

So...I'm terrified, but I am going to work hard today to change my fear into faith.  I would welcome, be VERY grateful, move that into THRILLED, to hear from others how they cope with challenge, and difficulty.  If we network maybe we can all be stronger.  After all, if you take one stick, and try to break it, depending on the strength of that one stick you can most likely break it quite easily.  Now add another stick, and then another, and then another, and soon you couldn't snap the bundle of sticks if you were Arnold Schwartsenegger  (can YOU spell his name?) in his prime!  Strength comes in unity...strength comes in love...strength comes in faith.  Please bless me with your examples of faith under challenge.


  1. Coping... some days it seems that is all we do! Here's what I did yesterday (a particularly rough day in my neck of the woods)
    I watched this:

    Then I read the talk it came from.

    And today, I weeded an onion patch. And I thought about the story from the end of this talk: http://speeches.byu.edu/?act=viewitem&id=775

    And I keep moving forward.

  2. We were sent here to be tried. I forget that often. But I think the Lord wants to see if we'll remember Him and call upon Him in our times of greatest weakness. My pride usually gets the best of me as I think I can do it on my own. And it's not until I realize that I can't that I finally find relief for my own trials. I'm sorry about your knees sweet lady. You know how I like to share oils with people? I actually shared oils with a lady out here in Baltimore that reminded me of you a bit. She's 75 and her husband recently died too and she misses him terribly. I felt terrible to find out she had actually had quite the allergic reaction to the oils I had applied to her hands and feet. But she was so sweet and understanding and told me that she was grateful I came to try them on her anyways. She said that she truly believed that her reason for being in so much pain was because she felt that the Lord wanted her to turn to Him and knew that through her pain, she would. I felt terrible for making her more uncomfortable but she firmly reassured me that I was just a messenger the Lord had sent to comfort her. I couldn't even see myself in that light. This sweet Baptist woman saw that in me. So truly, I think she was the angel that came into my life to remind me of MY purposes. Sometimes I feel that other people experience these trials and share them, in order to inspire others like myself to keep moving forward.