Post Surgery

A double mastectomy constitutes major surgery.  The process impacts most functions in the human body.  I've had two breasts since 1968.  My body had become extremely comfortable with their existence.  Then?  Having them both excised is traumatic on every single level. 

Physical?  The hormones that created these creations have now caused them to become a threat.  After the mastectomy it was discovered that I have FOUR tumors, not just the two already seen.  In addition it appears that it has begun to spread into a lymph node.  This raises a new type of alarm.  Has it also spread beyond this part of my anatomy?  Tamoxifen will stop the spread of estrogen into my lack of breast tissue.  It will not kill any existent cancer cells.  So, chemo?  Radiation? 

Emotional?  I have reached a point in my life when  feel happy to be shaped in a feminine way.  I love to feel pretty, stylish.  There are not curves any more, just lumpiness.  What if this is the beginning of a journey that will end in my death?  What can I do to ready myself if that is an eventuality?  How do I find joy in my days, even if my days are filled with pain, infection, complications?

Spiritual?  This is the one area that I feel most confident.  This is my second battle with cancer.  I have over a lifetime developed a life philosophy that usually serves me well.  I lost my beloved husband 6 years ago.  I know that he lives on, and being with him again is inviting.  I KNOW that life continues after death.  I know that God lives.  I've never doubted that knowledge for one moment of my life. 

Financial?  How is it possible to earn money when my weary body dominates my radiant spirit's ability to earn money.  I can barely contribute to our family dynamic.  If I die, well we can't afford to have me die.  There is no money for final expenses. 

I look at all of these fears and constraints.  Yet I am lifted by the love that has been shown to me with abundance since this newest attack of BIG C!  I let the love flow through me, around me, and I reach out in loving return.  That love, often considered abstract, feels very real to me.  I am grateful for all of that love.  I will use it as a great wind to lift my broken wings.  I will use it to carry me past hard, disease, cancer.