I Choose Love

CANCER is ominous, foreboding.  There is a feeling as though mortality hangs with uncertainty over my head.  The worst kinds of thoughts come rushing.  "Is the medicine to prevent the cancer from spreading worse than the cancer?  Am I still worth something when I feel like I can barely get out of bed and function?  Wasn't it enough to face this when I was thirty-four...why must I face it again?  HOW do I face it again?  The hardest one that hit me tonight when I was feeling physically awful, "When I die, will my husband still love me.  Can he forgive me for my faults and failings?

Tonight instead of allowing those swarming, ravenous, predator thoughts free rein, I CHOOSE LOVE!  I choose to remember the warmth of heart that generated a wall filled with beautiful cards with loving thoughts.  There is a card from Egypt, and a card from England.  Loving words from loving people. 

I choose to remember the beloved friend that understands that I feel awkward now that I have no breasts.  She understands so she sent me two gorgeous dresses that help me feel still feminine, still a woman.

I choose to look at the paper chains of brilliant colored hearts on my wall put together by a couple that I claim as an important part of my heart.  There are also flowers on my wall of different sizes and shapes made out of paper.  I can't be allergic to paper flowers. (I am allergic to most others).  They also brought us so many groceries that our fridge and cupboards groaned with joy.

There is a string threaded with multi colored butterflies that two of my great-nieces made for me.  Each butterfly dances in the breezes that move the air in my room.

I'm in a bedroom that is perfectly cool and comfortable.  Another friend insisted on purchasing a portable air conditioner so that I would not suffer ill effects from the heat.  It has been lovely to be able to control the temperature of the space where I spend most of my time lately.

I'm in a lovely room, just me, in a most comfortable queen sized bed, while our two beautiful daughters share a room.  They gave up the chance to have a bedroom to themselves when I moved in.  They treat me as though I'm royalty.  They have cared for me and about me throughout this entire process.

On my bed are two quilts.  One of them is quite old, almost 40 years old.  My Mama and I hand quilted it.  Over the years the quilted stitches came undone, so I quilted it again.  Mama chose the fabric, and I can see her working over it, pouring love into each and every stitch.  My other quilt?  My sister-in law stayed up most of two nights to create a beautiful quilt for me.  It has squares of beautiful fruits and vegetables with loving messages tucked in the quilt by stitching.

Speaking of loving, when my sister-in law learned of my 2nd bout of cancer, she brought her daughter, and two of her grand daughters (that I'm close to) and took all of us to the beach for a week.  It was life affirming.  The beach is healing to my soul.  I was born not far from the ocean in southern California.  The sound of the waves seems to make my heart beat more evenly.  Being in that lovely place, with beloved family, eating delicious food (that I didn't cook) was marvelous!
They stayed to help as I underwent a double mastectomy.

Meals were brought in to our family for a week from our church group.  Dear friends have taken us grocery shopping to make certain that we have nutritious food.  They cook a meal for us once a week.  A neighbor ordered pizza for us.

Both of our girls had the same marvelous teacher in grade school.  She sent us a card to get food from one of our favorite restaurants.  The food was extra delicious seasoned with such love.

Our girls bought me leggings to wear from a street vendor.  When she heard about my medical situation she donated an extra pair for me.  This woman didn't even know me.

I have been napping a lot lately.  Before this diagnosis I struggled with chronic fatigue.  I have reached a new level, sometimes walking from my bedroom to the bathroom is exhausting.  I awakened feeling self-pity.  When I came out to the living room there was a lovely fleece blanket made for me by another cancer survivor....a friend of a friend who heard about my situation.

I posted on a website for the women of my church group that I wished to borrow an 18 inch doll so that I could sew some doll clothes, while I'm healing, to give for Christmas presents.  The next thing I know four women volunteered to give or loan me a doll.  The amazing part was that one of the ladies had a daughter who had been given a special bald 18 inch doll when her sister battled with leukemia.  They felt that it was appropriate to pass on this very special bald doll to me as I battle on with cancer.  Another lady brought me patterns, and tons of fabric and notions to create lovely things with.

Many beloved people tell me that I am strong.  It is difficult to hear because I don't want to disappoint anyone by being weak.  Quite frankly, my body feels quite weak right now.  Yet, how can I possibly give in to the negative thoughts I spoke of in my first paragraph?  I have been celebrated, comforted, and cossetted with love.  Tonight I choose love, and ways that I can also return love.