Friday, December 16, 2011

Giggles and Gags!

In honor of two of my favorite people in the entire world, my nephew Marcus, and my sister in law Louise I have developed an attraction to elephant jokes. Now mind you, unless Louise or Marcus are telling the jokes I don't usually find them all that funny. Marcus and Louise hit the aforementioned elephantine jokes out of the park, down the street, and then into the stratosphere. (That may be a slight exaggeration, but what fun would life be without exaggeration?)

So today I decided my post is dedicated to elephant jokes. If you find them boring, or cliche, or anything else that is negative I challenge you to look again, I mean, who has not at some point found the image of an enormous gray elephant painting their toenails red to hide in a strawberry patch at least slightly amusing?

Fasten your seat belts. Here we go:

What's red and white on the outside but gray and white on the inside?
Campbell's Cream of Elephant Soup!
How do you make instant elephant?
Open the package, add water, and run!
If you took away an elephants trunk how would it smell?
Trunk or no trunk it would still smell pretty bad!
What time is it when ten elephants are chasing you?
Ten after one!
What cheers you up when you are sick?
A Get Wellephant card.
What weighs 5,000 lbs and wears glass slippers?
What do elephants do for laughs?
They tell people jokes.
What game do elephants like to play most?
Why do elephants wear red toenail polish?
Hmmm....see the above for this answer.
Why do elephants paint their toenails red?
Again, see the above.
Why do elephants hide in strawberry patches?
So they can jump out and stomp on people.
Why do elephants stomp on people?
That is how they play squash.
Why did the elephant cross the road?
To squash the chicken on the other side!
What is large and gray and goes around and around in circles?
An elephant stuck in a revolving door.
What has 6 legs, 3 ears, 4 tusks, and 2 trunks?
An elephant with spare parts.
What did the cat say to the elephant?
What did the grape say to the elephant?
Nothing, grapes can't talk.
What's the difference between eating an elephant or peanut butter?
Elephant doesn't stick to the roof of your mouth.
How do you stop a charging elephant?
Take away its credit cards.
How can you tell when an elephant has been in your refrigerator?
Look for elephant tracks in the butter.
How can you tell when an elephant is under your bed?
Your nose is squashed against the ceiling.
If you see an elephant in your car, what time is it?
Time to get a new car.
Why do elephants have grey skin?
To keep their insides together.
What should you do to a blue elephant?
Cheer it up.
What should you do to a green elephant?
Wait until it gets ripe.
What should you do to a red elephant?
Quit telling it dirty jokes.
What should you do to a yellow elephant?
Try to teach it to be brave.

OK ADMIT least one of those made you smile! Now if you could just hear them in Louise or Marcus' voice I'm certain that you would be LAUGHING OUT LOUD!!! Or better yet, LAUGHING YOUR BOTTOM OFF! (that would seem to be an extremely effective means to remove extraneous fat from one's gluteal muscles!)'s a new day...none of us have EVER lived this one before (OK, unless you're stuck in some time and dimensional warp, and then you probably are 1-800-HELP, not really I just made that number up.) Lift your head up high, tuck your gluteal muscles up, your tummy muscles in, and hold it for about 2 seconds....then forget about that exercise in futility and do something fun!!!

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