In the Old Testament, Psalms 23 is a beautiful literary verse. It says in part, "....Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death...." I feel distinctly like that is what I AM doing right now. The shadow of death has been occasioned by the death of my beloved husband of twenty-seven years.
I am learning new life lessons. Indeed I feel as though I am being instructed in a "Master Class," of grief and sorrow. My beloved husband was my "Dream come true." I dated LOTS of toads before I found my handsome prince. I knew pretty quickly after I found him that he WAS my handsome prince.
Due to a series of unforeseen circumstances both of us were retired by the time that we were in our forties. That meant that for the last fifteen years of Nyle's life we were together virtually twenty-four hours a day seven days a week. It was pretty rough at first. Learning our boundaries, becoming more patient with each others differences took great patience and effort.
It felt a great deal like we were rough rocks tossed into the old rock polisher. The way that this machine polished the rocks was by pounding them against each other and knocking off the rough surfaces. What emerged was a shiny, polished, beautiful creation.
Nyle was a wonderful husband. He was romantic, thoughtful, funny, talented, brilliant, the man of my dreams. So now trying to create new dreams without him hurts at the cellular level of my body.
I like to be viewed by others as an endlessly positive person. If I had my way I would outdo Pollyanna! lol Yet I am learning that sometimes you just HAVE to cry. Sometimes it helps to cry. The worst times are when the missing is too deep for the release of tears.
I can NOT look ahead to a future without my handsome prince in it. In my Mother's family the woman tend to live a LOOOOOOONNNNNNNGGGGGG time. My grandmother was 91 my mother will turn 94 in February. I wish to admit that the idea of living that long right now without Nyle is horrifying. So instead I stumble along moment to moment trying to wrest a little joy or satisfaction out of life.
The coping strategies that have served me well in life are not doing a good job with this pain. I know there are support groups for widows....it just feels like everyone involved in those groups are on the downhill side of this pain. It would help to know that someone else is fighting an ongoing battle with the "Shadow of death."
So, if any of you in "Blogville" are dealing with this sort of sorrow I would appreciate hearing from you and knowing how you are finding a "New normal."